Recovery started out for me like a ride on a ROLLERCOASTER, you know, one of those rides ... where you are going as fast as you can in one direction, only to be hurled just as fast in another direction?  I felt like I was suspended precariously between hope and hopelessness ... I wanted to believe in him even when everything he did was exactly the opposite of someone anyone could believe in.

Recovery is messy ... Healing doesn't come in a neat little package.  It has ups and downs.  I pushed through some scary, painful times.  I had to take stock of what Aydan did to me but I also had to take responsibility for my choices.  That DOES NOT mean that I, in any way, take responsibility for HIS ABUSE AND RAGE.  I continued to care about Aydan long after I should have.  I wasn't protective of myself.  I wasn't true to myself.  I let him distract me.  He was good at it!  I ignored the warning signs.  I got confused when he accused me of things I never even thought of.  I see now that all the things he said about me were true about him!  It's all so clear to me now, but at the time, my emotions were so jumbled up, I couldn't even think straight.  I can now!

Disengaging and Breaking Away from Aydan was like untangling from barbed wire and broken glass.  Every move away from him hurt and cut away at parts of me that I guess I didn't need anyway.  I had to let go of major portions of pride.  I had to admit that I had made some very bad choices.  I had to take responsibility for those choices.  I had to ask other people for help.  I was trapped in a snare I couldn't break free of by myself.  I had to let myself feel everything ... Shame, Grief, Confusion, Anger, Sadness, Acceptance, Hope, Forgiveness, Faith and Gratitude ... I guess I'll have to work on some of those things every day for the rest of my life, but the REST of my life is going to be so much better than it was!

I didn't ever have to do everything on my own!  It's never was me against the world.  People like taking care of me as much as I like taking care of them!  AND I like letting someone else run the train, carry the load, worry about the details, run the show and drive the car!  It's nice to be a little pampered once in a while.  It's good to see how other people solve problems.  I have learned so many new things!

During the first year, I wrote lots of things.  They're not classic poetry.  They aren't meant to be.  Someone suggested that I write my feelings in short phrases ... That worked for me because there were days I couldn't have put all my feelings in complete sentences.  It wasn't about making pretty poetry.  It was about getting the feelings OUT.  Here are a few that did that for me:

 

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!  

I made myself think of something else EVERY TIME I thought of him  

I thought I saw him on the street  

My heart beat fast with fear

and

then my heart sank when I realized it wasn't him.  

IT WILL NEVER BE HIM AGAIN  

I loved him more after he left

than I ever loved him when he was here  

I missed him today but not as much

as I didyesterday

and who knows what tomorrow will bring?  

Maybe another strategy

another coping skill to take care of me

because

IT WILL NEVER BE HIM AGAIN

 

 

Does he make you tense? Do you walk on eggshells all the time?

NOT WORTH IT!

You haven't found a partner. You've found an ulcer!  

 

 

Aydan was never really "here for me". I could never depend on him.

How could I depend on him for the big things? 

I couldn't even depend on him to be in a good mood!  

 

 

I'm missing a man that never existed

a man that he never was

a man I imagined him to be  

just like a child's imaginary friend

but I am not a child and I have no need for imaginary friends

It's time for him to GO AWAY 

 

 

An essential part of RECOVERY includes allowing myself to feel

ANGER!  

I resisted.

I didn't want to be like him. 

Silly me! 

I'm not like him. I can feel anger and control it.  

 

 

NO matter what he ever says or does,  

He is still the man who held a gun on me.

IT'S TOO LATE.

I can never trust him again. I could never feel safe.  

VERY FEW PEOPLE ACT VIOLENTLY ONLY ONCE.  

Most of us have a powerful need to believe that we could never love someone capable of hurting us.  

I will not compound the damage to my well-being by blaming myself in any way for HIS criminal and cowardly act.  

 

 

There are times I'd like to pretend I never even knew Aydan, but how can I encourage other women to "take the journey" toward healing if I don't warn you of the hurdles?  Of course, you will feel love and longing and sadness!  He wouldn't have chosen a woman that didn't have a BIG HEART!  But don't let him use your own heart against you!  It's exactly like I said earlier, 

IF YOU HAVE A HEART BIG ENOUGH TO LOVE SOMEONE SO UNLOVABLE, YOU HAVE A HEART BIG ENOUGH FOR A REAL LIFE ... ONE WHERE YOU GET TO BE HAPPY! 

Are you thinking that only you understand him, that if you just give a little bit more, he'll realize how much he's loved and suddenly change?  Are you thinking that if you do everything perfect, he'll notice?  You do know you are only fooling yourself, right?

The truth is that the more we did to please "our men", the more they felt entitled and the more demands they made! 

It's okay if you find yourself wishing that things could be different.  I did the same thing!  I wasted months.  I began to realize that I had two relationships ... one with "Sweet Aydan" and one with "Scary Aydan" ... In the beginning, he was one of the sweetest guys a girl could meet ... He said and did the sweetest things.  He was so thoughtful.  He was almost too good to be true.  As he got more comfortable, "Scary Aydan" started making demands.  They were simple enough at first, but they kept getting more and more unreasonable.  No matterwhat I did for him, it was NEVER good enough!  "Scary Aydan" was a thug!  If it was a battle between good and evil ... between "Sweet Aydan" and "Scary Aydan", then, "Scary Aydan" won ...

In fact, I believe, now, that's who he was all along.  I wanted so much for him to be the man I met at first.  I wanted him to be the man I imagined.  Sad thing is, on some level, I think Aydan wanted to be the man I admired too, but he couldn't pretend to be someone he wasn't for long!  How could he become a better man and still keep all his "bad boy" traits? 

I can see it, and you can see it too, that while they think they are "being so strong", the rest of the world sees them as SO WEAK!  Real men don't have to abuse women. 

The love I felt was mine.  I heard that he mocked me and said sarcastically, "She's IN LOVE."  He's right.  I was.  I'm not sure about him though.  Some abusers confuse love with control.  Others may never really know love for anyone or anything.  It doesn't matter how sick our abuser is.  What matters is that ABUSE is NOT LOVE ... in fact, they are opposites.

Charles Swindoll said "To love and be loved is the bedrock of our existence. But love must also flex and adapt.  Rigid love is not true love. It is VEILED MANIPULATION, a conditional time bomb THAT EXPLODES when frustrated. Genuine love willingly waits.

Love isn't pushy or demanding. While it has it's limits, it's boundaries are far reaching. Real love is NOT shortsighted, selfish or insensitive.  Love is Patient.  Love is kind. (I Corinthians 13:4)"

Scott Peck, in his book, PEOPLE OF THE LIE, talks about what happens when people choose NOT to grow.  We either get better or we get worse ... and some people (like ourabusers) do get worse.  They don't acknowledge their own wrong doing.  They justify the cruel things they do.  They "armor themselves up" for the battle they fight against themselves.  They ruin their own lives to save their precious PRIDE ... They are like dead men walking ... living only the part of their lives they are willing to admit to ... That's whatmakes them "people of the lie".  It's not the lies other people tell them that hurt them.  It's the lies they tell themselves!  Each time they lie to themselves, they sell a tiny piece of their soul, and some of them didn't have much "soul real estate" to begin with!

Well, that's not my story to tell.  I hurt so bad that all I knew was that I didn't ever want to get to this place again, so I did everything I could to, hopefully, not to come this way again.  I have the tools to choose more wisely, set better boundaries for myself, listen to my intuition, question things that don't "feel right" as soon as they don't "feel right" ... and never let myself fall so far and so fast again. 

I can't control anything or anyone else, but I am in full control of ME ... thankfully!  I will do my best with what I'm given today, and I'll do my best with what ever happens tomorrow and the day after that, I'll do the same, one day at a time, until doing my best is a habit!

 

 

From the start he and I may have tried to help - change - fix each other.  

In the end I had to help - change - fix myself  

so that I could help - change - fix his victim into a SURVIVOR. 

I have more strength than I ever knew.

I SURVIVED him.

Just sitting here counting my blessings ... This is the day for it!  Holidays sure have changed for me.  I've been in recovery for over two years and just like I was promised back then ... Things really did get better!  My life started to fill up with the goodness of friends and the warmth of family.  I dealt with a lot of my "stuff" ... getting rid of a lot of "baggage" ... taking care of business ... reprogramming ... There were a lot of rewards.  My life got simpler.  I found the most amazing peace in letting go! 

So THIS year, when my family (the ones who can be here) join hands to say a prayer of thankfulness, we will have so many things to say THANK YOU for!  

You never know when God is going to bless you!!!

Good things happen when you least expect them to !!! 
    

Dear Lord,  

I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness.  Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.

And It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.  Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak ... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.  

I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I believe that God changes people and God changes things.  

I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.  

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.

I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.    

Amen

I don't know where you are this year or what your holiday will bring.  Whether you are still trying to please an abusive partner, whether you are alone with your thoughts, whether you are celebrating life's victories or a holiday that is somewhere between those places.  No matter where you are or what's happening, there is SOMETHING worth being thankful for. 

If you are alone, you have time to make a list!  Begin the list with:  

1.        The Miracle that is ME!   ...

and go from there because you are a miracle, you know?  You bring something to the people around you that no one else can!  You really do.  There is a reason that you are here and everything that happens in our lives, good and bad, can make us into the most AWESOME people if we just let it!  It's okay to believe in yourself!  You are a good person!   

and .... just like I was promised ... and I believed it ... with a little bit of work ...  

LIFE DOES GET BETTER!  

Happy Thanksgiving!  

I knew Aydan had gone too far ... or I never would have called the law in the first place.  It broke my heart.  I didn't understand why I was so worried about him and his feelings when he had already proven vividly that he had no real feelings for me?  I had taken "ownership" of caring for Aydan and even though the relationship was OVER and I knew it, I still felt like it was "my job" to take care of him!  This man pointed a loaded shotgun at me and I still felt like I needed to finish painting his living room and plant the shrubs at his house!

Dr. Carnes says, "There is always something kind, noble or redeeming about someone who has betrayed you.  Victims of betrayal will hold to those good things even while the world crashes in around them."  My world was crashing in around me when I found this book.  The book is 11.95 and available on-line or at any bookstore.  The 144 questions starting on page 37 are worth the 12.00!  There was a post traumatic stress self-test on page 37 that was helpful ... I took it.  I answered the questions honestly.  I was surprised at my own answers and the results.  Sometimes, we have no choice but to face reality.  This is where I was at ... Now, what was I going to do about it?

BETRAYAL BOND

Breaking Free Of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.  

Betrayal.  A breach of trust.  Fear.  What you thought was true - counted on to be true - was not.  It was just smoke and mirrors, outright deceit and lies.  Sometimes it was hard to tell because there was enough truth to make everything seem right.  Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous ...   

Betrayal.  You can't explain it away anymore.  A pattern exists.  You know that now.  You can no longer return to the way it was (which was never really what it seemed).  That would be unbearable.  But to move forward means certain pain.  No escape.  No in-between.  Choices have to be made today, not tomorrow.  The usual ways you numb yourself will not work.  The reality is too great, too relentless.  

Betrayal.  A form of abandonment.  Often the abandonment is difficult to see because the betrayer can be still close, even intimate, or maybe intruding in your life.  Yet your interests, your well-being is continually sacrificed.

Abandonment is at the core of addictions.  Abandonment causes deep shame.  Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect.  Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving.  If severe enough, it is traumatic.  What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror.  If the wound is deep enough, and the terror big enough, your bodily systems shift to an alarm state.  You no longer feel safe. 

You're on full alert, just waiting for the hurt to begin again.  In that state of readiness, you're unaware that a part of you has died.  You are grieving.  Like everyone who has loss, you have shock and disbelief, fear, loneliness and sadness.  Yet, you are unaware of these feelings because your guard is up. 

In your readiness, you abandon yourself.  Yes, another abandonment.  

But that is not the worst.  The worst is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you.  You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing - convert them to non-abusers.  You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts.  You strive to do better as your life slips away in a swirl of intensity.  These attachments cause you to distrust your own judgment, distort your own realities and place yourself at even greater risk.  The great irony?  You are bracing yourself against further hurt.  The result?  The guarantee of more pain.  These attachments have a name.  They are called betrayal bonds.  These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to her. 

Adult survivors of abuse and dysfunctional families struggle with bond that are rooted in their own betrayal experiences.  Loyalty to that which does not work, or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive or destructive to you is a form of insanity.


How Do You Know If You Are Suffering From The Effects Of A Betrayal Bond?

• When everyone around you has strong negative reactions, yet you continue covering up, defending or explaining a relationship.
• When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance and yet you continue to believe false promises.
• When there are repetitive, destructive fights that nobody wins.
• When others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not.
• When you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about you, your relationship or the person's treatment of you.
• When you feel stuck because you know what the other person is doing is destructive but believe you cannot do anything about it.
• When you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that are damaging to others.
• When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to a non-abuser.
• When someone's talents, charisma or contributions cause you to overlook destructive, exploitive or degrading acts.
• When you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person.
• When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful, it almost destroyed you.
• When extraordinary demands are placed upon you to measure up as a way to cover up that you have been exploited.
• When you keep secret someone's destructive behavior toward you because of all the good they have done or the importance of their position or career.
• When the history of your relationship is about contracts or promises that have been broken and that you are asked to overlook.

If you are reading this book (or journal), a clear betrayal has probably happened in your life.  Chances are that you have also bonded with the person or persons who have let you down.  Now, here is the important part:

YOU WILL NEVER MEND THE WOUND WITHOUT DEALING WITH THE BETRAYAL BOND. 

Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will pull you back.  You cannot walk away from it.  Time alone will not heal it.  Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain.  Being crazy will not make it better.  No amount of therapy, long-tern or short-term, will help without confronting it.  Your ability to have a spiritual experience will be impaired.  Any form of conversion or starting over only postpones the inevitable.  And there is no credit for feeling sorry for yourself.  You must acknowledge, understand and come to terms with the relationship.

Betrayal can bring forth every issue, secret and unfinished business a person has, all of which are important.  Further, fear and crisis are often part of the scene.  So the immediate problems come first.  As a result, the betrayal bond itself may be ignored.

Here are signs that trauma bonds exist in your life:

• When you obsess about people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means preoccupied, fantasize about and wonder about even though you do not want to).
• When you continue to seek contact with people who you know will cause you further pain.
• When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you.
• When you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive.
• When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.
• When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.
• When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.
• When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.
• When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.
• When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.
• When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.
• When you are attracted to untrustworthy people.
• When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.
• When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.

How do trauma bonds become addictive?

The answer is in the same way other addictions work. The criteria for addiction are the following:

1. Compulsivity: loss of the ability to choose freely whether to stop or continue a behavior.
2. Continuation of the behavior despite adverse consequences such as loss of health, job, marriage or freedom.
3. Obsession with the behavior.

Betrayal, addiction and trauma weave a design of continually recycled wounds that create an overarching pattern of compulsive relationships.

There are 11 ways that trauma bonds are made stronger:

1. When there are repetitive cycles of abuse.
2. When the victim and the victimizer believe in their own uniqueness.
3. When high intensity is mistaken for intimacy.
4. When there is confusion about love.
5. When there are increasing amounts of fear.
6. When children are faced with terror.
7. When there is a history of abuse.
8. When exploitation endures over time.
9. When the community, family or social structure reacts in the extremes.
10. When there is a familiar role and script to be fulfilled.
11. When victims and victimizers switch roles of rescue and abuse.

For successful recovery, the victim has to be able to break through denial and see the compulsive patterns for what they are ... When you live with someone dangerous, you learn to keep the waters smooth.  Thus there exists a web of rules against anger and a deep, almost preverbal, primitive fear of holding an abuser accountable ... Every person who has experienced compulsive relationship behavior has had consequences because of that behavior. 

You certainly should have felt anger, maybe even enough anger that you are determined to change your patterns ... No more will you disbelieve the obvious and believe the improbable.  In the future, your anger will make you intolerant of being exploited and used ... You may also have feelings of sadness, loss and regret.  Knowing your own hurt and expressing that hurt is critical to healing.  First of all the sadness moves the survivor beyond the anger.  Sometimes, those in trauma bonds hold on to the anger as a way to stay connected to the abuser. 

An example would be the divorcing couple who start off expressing their anger and telling stories about why they are angry to all their friends.  One partner, however, moves beyond that point and realizes, that she, too, has significant responsibility for what happened.  This partner learns from her experiences and goes on to reconstruct her life.  The other partner stays stuck in the anger, and years later is still telling the blaming stories to anyone who will listen. 

That partner has used anger to stay in the relationship, and is probably too scared to accept the pain of loss. 

By blaming the other for the problems in his life, the blaming partner can prevent the actual acceptance of the loss of the relationship or the losses caused by the relationship.  HEALTHY anger expresses limitations.  BLAMING anger recycles the history of betrayal and all the intense feelings that are a part of a trauma bond. 

It (anger and blaming) is a negative way to keep the old person around. 

To finally grieve means to accept that your life did not turn out the way you wanted, the way you deserved or the way it should have.  Those who are trauma bonded have to accept not only the reality of compulsive relationships but also the accumulated losses in their lives going back to whatever created the original working model for relationships.  

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.  

They were able to transform suffering into meaning!  I believe survivors of any form of abuse have that essential task.  Out of the incredible pain comes clarity of belief and depth of purpose.  They become people of substance, with no more tolerance of living in the lie.  They know evil for what it is and arm themselves with rituals that keep meaning close to their hearts.  They have a high regard for that which connects, and reject all that divides or hides.  Inescapable pain creates enduring honesty and accountability. 

Do you want things to be different?

Trauma bonds can be disrupted when healthy bonds are available ... Finding supportive healthy relationships is the foundation of recovery ... Support is theground floor of any recovery effort ... People who specialize in helping these survivors with their trauma have found that the first part of recovery is to give a detailed description of what happened to a sympathetic audience ... By telling their story, they are "reunited" with other humans who care for them.  It now means something to survive.

Dr. Carnes offers several good exercises in his book that will help take you consciously through recovery.  You can take your time thinking about the questions and how you will answer.  You can work on your recovery at your own pace.

Recovery?  

There really isn't a better choice, you know?  If you were hiking in the wilderness and broke your leg, you would have to DO SOMETHING.  You couldn't just get up and walk away, pretending nothing happened!  Even after you tended to the leg, you would have to make changes in your routine and give your leg time to heal. 

There are no shortcuts.  You can't rush the healing. 

In fact, no one really know exactly when it will be totally healed because everyone heals differently.  You can't trade your broken leg in for a new one.  You can't ignore it and hope it goes away.  You have to tend to it.

How come we know this about our body and we don't know this about our heart? 

That Sunday was the last time I saw Aydan, other than in court.  I don't know how you feel about going to law enforcement.  The legal process is long and tedious. 

Truthfully, it can be as tough on the victim as the abuse was.  The law gives the perpetrator so many chances to prove themselves INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY that the victims often feel forgotten and neglected. 

Don't give up. 

Understand that the legal system is like a game.  It has rules.  The bad guys know the rules.  Most victim's are just beginning to learn them.   Law enforcement has a job to do.  Their main function is to locate criminal activity and arrest it.  To law enforcement, everyone is suspect, even victims! 

Lawyers are employed to defend either him or you.  They can't afford to get emotionally "involved" because it actually hurts their ability to defend you if they are too emotional. 

Some judges are sympathetic to victims, but other judges have seen so much that they can become hardened to the same old stories.  One judge may look you in the eye and you can tell he cares.  Another judge can look past you like you are just another number.  

First, if you decide to charge your abuser, he will be arrested.  Don't forget.  My abuser actually called me from the jail to come and bail him out!  You would be surprised how many ladies do!  You might be tempted.  I wasn't.  I had already drawn a line ... a boundary.  When I went to the police, I was sending a very clear message:

WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IS ILLEGAL AND A CRIME.  I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR.  I AM HOLDING YOU ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR.

Most abusers only start to learn when they are held accountable!

"Once the abuser is released from jail following arraignment, he typically devotes all his efforts to achieving the following goals:
1.        persuading the woman to drop the charges and not to testify if charges do proceed;
2.        receiving the lightest possible consequences from the court."

-Lundy Bancroft, author of:
WHY DOES HE DO THAT?
INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN

A friend said I didn't play his "game".  The "game" is where he gets to abuse you, call you names, slap you around "a little" ... you call the law ... the law comes ... you run to the jailhouse and get him out ... beg HIS forgiveness ... kiss and make-up so that tomorrow night, he can abuse you AGAIN and call you names AGAIN and slap you around "a little" AGAIN ... and you call the law AGAIN ... and the law comes AGAIN ... you run to the jailhouse and get him out AGAIN ... beg his forgiveness AGAIN ... and kiss and make up so that the night after that ... Are you seeing a pattern here yet?!!!  I'm glad I didn't play THAT game!  It doesn't look like women fair too well in that "game"!

If you are caught in that never ending tape loop, PLEASE GET OUT!  You deserve better, girlfriend.  The fact that you have put up with a jerk proves you have a HEART that is BIG ENOUGH for a real life! 

Two or three months after the original arraignment (depending on the court schedule), there will be a preliminary hearing.  I wasn't there. They said I didn't have to be.  They told me his lawyer was good one. That's good. He would need to be.  They said his attorney would attack me.  He didn't.  It wouldn't have worked anyway.

 

I'M NOT AFRAID

to admit the truth - bare my soul- confess my sins  

IS HE?

 

In our state, there was a Grand Jury Hearing next.  Grand Jury Hearings are private.  Victims and Abusers do not attend this hearing.  The solicitor's office and the abuser's defense attorney appear before a panel of citizens and present the facts of the case.  The Grand Jury then decides if there is enough evidence or the case is strong enough to go forward.  In my case, there was.

I met with the solicitor's office, law enforcement, and victim's advocates several times in the next eight months.  The point of those meetings was to assist them in preparing for the case.  They may also interview you to get you ready to testify in court.  It's overwhelming.  I often left and cried when I got to my car.  I questioned many times whether it was worth it.  I always came to the same place. 

If I didn't stick up for myself and stand up to this man, who would?

I felt alone.  I felt like I was the only person who had ever gone through this!  I was embarrassed.  I was hurt.  I was ashamed.  I was MAD ...

In our state, the solicitor's office has several resources to offer victims.  There are women's shelters.  Most states have funds to help victims with medical bills.  You may also qualify for free counseling with a certified therapist.  There are abuse recovery groups or twelve step programs in most cities.

Some courts provide victims advocates.  It is my personal experience that advocates are young and inexperienced, but they mean well and they do want to help. Most victims just want to be heard.  We want respect.  Victims take EVERY THING personally because we are VICTIMS.  A skilled advocate can take some of the bite out of the legal system and the inevitable outcome by simply telling a victim:

This won't be the easiest thing you have ever done, but it will be worth it.  I will be here for you and if I can't help you with something, I will help you find someone who can.  I believe you and I am on your side.

No matter what happens, you are standing up to your abuser and sending a very clear message that abuse is wrong.  Abusers do not change unless someone stands up to them.  Every time a woman stands against an abuser, you are making things safer for yourself, your family, your community, your state and the world.  You are very brave.  I admire your courage.

I started being my own advocate.  I made sure I talked to the police and the detectives face to face.  I met with the solicitor's office several times.  I talked to my family and close friends.  I started working on my own healing so that I could recover and so that I would be stronger for court.

It wasn't easy.  At one point, I decided to "bag" the whole thing and I called Aydan on his cell phone.  I told him that I was going to try to get the charges dropped.  He screamed,

"THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I WANT YOU TO ASSEMBLE THE ENTIRE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT, FROM THE OFFICE STAFF TO THE SHERIFF HIMSELF ALONG WITH ALL OUR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES AND PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE FOR HUMILIATING ME!"  

Say what?!!!

I said, "Even if I could get that done, I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE.  You brought all this on yourself when you threatened me with a loaded gun!"  

He said, "Don't ever call me again, or I will have you put in jail for harassment."  

Instead of meeting my offer with thankfulness or relief, he simply issued another impossible demand to "assemble the entire sheriff's department"!  Instead of showing one ounce of remorse or sadness for what he had DONE, he was "humiliated" for being CAUGHT!  Instead of an apology, he issued a threat ... much like all the other threats, "I'm going to put you in jail because you put me in jail.  How does that feel?" 

I wavered many times.  I struggled with my feelings.  I don't think any woman ever really wants to put her ex-boyfriend, husband, insignifigant other in jail ... Most women just want the abuse to stop!  BUT, how is it going to stop if he doesn't learn?  And how is he going to learn if no one ever holds him accountable?  In the end, I felt I had no choice but to continue.  

I turned over every e-mail, every instant message transcript, every phone call, all my phone bills and answered every private question I was asked by law enforcement and the solicitor's office.  In the beginning, I was reluctant to speak about things I considered private, but by the end of it, I had already felt so exposed, I answered whatever questions I was asked. 

I made no excuses and offered no explanations.  Things were the way they were.

If you go to court, there is only one way to testify. Answer whatever questions you are asked with short, clear answers.  Don't offer anything extra.  If you aren't sure what you are being asked, ask them to repeat their question.  If it doesn't "feel right", look to your attorney or the judge for guidance.  Either will direct you appropriately.  Answer one question at a time.  It won't be easy.  His lawyer will want to attack you.  It's not personal.  It's his job.  Always keep in mind that his attorney is trying to shoot holes in your story ... but the last thing his attorney wants to do is make you cry in front of the jury, so as hard as he pushes, he won't push you too far ...  

Maintain dignity.  This is your day in court too.  You aren't the one on trial.  He is.  No matter what the outcome is, you had the strength to stand up to him, and I'm proud of you for being so brave.  I know how hard it is.

 

PLEADING GUILTY

I heard Aydan was pleading guilty to a lesser charge

but at least, 

he admitted GUILT to something!

 

Actually, Aydan refused to say the word GUILTY in front of me!  He would only say NO CONTEST which means the same thing as GUILTY but he made his attorney say the "GUILTY word".  Everyone in the courtroom knew he was guilty.  I have no idea what he was thinking at that moment.  I only know that men who abuse women (or children) are criminals and ALL CRIMINALS LIE.  Yours will too.  The reason lawyers and judges don't jump up and yell LIAR (like you and I might be tempted to) is because they have heard it all before.  They EXPECT your abuser to deny that he did anything wrong.  Don't let what he says sidetrack you.  You KNOW the truth.  The LAWYERS know the truth.  The JUDGE knows the truth.  He isn't fooling anybody but himself.

I had to monitor criminal court the next day for work and it was eye-opening to watch the orange suited prisoners say the very same things that Aydan had.  I never understood why the lawyersand judges looked so BORED, but it's because they hear denials and fabricated stories all the time.  It's amazing to me how the CRIMINAL thinks he is being clever and unique, but in truth, it's like they all are talking from the very same script.  Someone should tell us victims that.  It makes the denial less victimizing. 

The "bad guys" blame the victim or their childhood or their lack of sleep or they were sick (they got that right!) and just in case blaming the victim doesn't work, they'll throw in a hundred reasons why NOTHING could have happened.  It's almost as if they are saying, "Your Honor, I don't know how it could have happened, but that CRAZY PERSON ran backwards into my knife fifteen times in a row before he finally died!" 

I made you smile at that one, didn't I? 

Translate your story into CRIMINAL WORDS because those are the words he'll use in court.  Maybe, they pass out manuals in jail over cornbread and beans?!!!

 

(LAUGHING OUT LOUD)  

He's still out there telling anyone who'll listen that I lied about what he did.     

He wasn't much of a man when he abused me.  

He became a criminal when he pulled that gun on me.  

Just like a criminal, he denied everything he did.  

ALL CRIMINALS SAY THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!  

No one believes him.

We just think he's pitiful.

 

Standing up to him legally will cast a shadow of doubt over him that he can never outrun or talk his way out of for the rest of his life.

I didn't really want to be the one to send him to jail, but I don't mind being the one that holds the door open for the next time, and I am certain there will be a next time.  He hasn't gotten any help, and without help, he will continue to be an abuser. 

I have heard that he was seeing a girl recently and she had stood him up for a date.  That would be exactly the kind of thing that would set Aydan off.  He told the story to one of his friends this way, "I was supposed to meet this girl and when she didn't show up, I was concerned that something might have happened to her.  I went to her house twice and banged on the door, but I couldn't even knock her door down and save her life because someone might call the cops and I would go to jail for trying to save the poor girl's life."

I laughed when I heard the story.  His account didn't make any sense at all ... she didn't show up for a date and all of the sudden, he had to "save the poor girl's life"?  I am so thankful NOT to be the woman he RAGES on anymore. 

I saw that taking Aydan to court DID make a difference! 

In our state, second or third offenses for domestic violence are met with much stiffer fines and penalties, even jail time.  Aydan doesn't want to go to jail, so the fact that he has a criminal record has forced him to modify his behavior. 

Good!  He needed to!

I remember still being in shock about Aydan and that gun. Every time I talked to someone, they had so much information about "those kind of men". The information was too much too soon. I kept thinking, "You might be right about those guys, but you don't know my guy."

Most of us have a powerful need to believe that we could never love someone who could hurt us this much.

You might need time to think. I know how much you wish you could go back to the beginning and start all over ... but you can't. There is only one first kiss! You are where you are. Take a deep breath. Maybe, you are asking yourself WHY like I did? This book would have been a big help then.

WHY DOES HE DO THAT?

INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN
by Lundy Bancroft

(Mr. Bancroft is an abuse counselor. He wrote this book from the knowledge he gained over the years working with abusers and their partners ... He has an interesting point of view. I felt many times, as I read his book, as though he were describing my experience. Maybe, you will see your situation too?)

The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn't get his way. Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break the patterns of ups and downs.

The abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like the oil from a drum. When he is in this mode, NOTHING she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, "I just can't seem to do anything right."

The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can't control and intimidate you, he can't recruit people around him to take his side, he can't keep escaping the consequences of his actions, unless he can throw everyone off track. When the world catches on to the abuser, his power begins to melt away.

In one important way, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won't notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he THINKS. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won't even notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.

Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame.

The mythology about abusive men that runs through modern culture has been created largely by the abusers themselves. Abusive men concoct explanations for their actions which they give to their partners, therapists, clergymen, relatives, and social researchers. But it is a serious error to allow abusers to analyze and account for their own problems. Would we ask an active alcoholic to tell us why he or she drinks, and then accept the explanation unquestioningly? When we hear excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that - excuses. We don't consider an alcoholic a reliable source of insight. So why should we let angry and controlling men be the authority on partner abuse? Our first task, therefore, is to remove the abusive man's smoke and mirrors, and then set about watching carefully to see what he is really doing.

THE MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS (his excuses)

  1.   He was abused as a child.
  2.   His previous partner hurt him.
  3.   He abuses those he loves most.
  4.   He holds in his feelings too much.
  5.   He has an aggressive personality.
  6.   He loses control.
  7.   He is too angry.
  8.   He is mentally ill.
  9.   He hates women.
10.   He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
11.   He has low self-esteem.
12.   His boss mistreats him.
13.   He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
14.   There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
15.   His abusiveness is as bad for him as his partner.
16.   He is a victim of racism.
17.   He abuses alcohol or drugs.

You don't really need an "expert" on abuse to explain your life to you; what you do need above all is some support and encouragement to hold on to your own truth. Your abusive partner wants to deny you that experience. He wants to pluck your view of reality out of your head and replace it with his. When someone has invaded your identity in this way enough times, you naturally start to lose your balance. But you can find your way back to center.

THE REALITIES ABOUT ABUSERS (the TRUTH)

  1.   He is controlling. 
  2.   He feels entitled. 
  3.   He twists things into their opposites. 
  4.   He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her. 
  5.   He confuses love and abuse. 
  6.   He is manipulative. 
  7.   He strives to have a good public image. 
  8.   He feels justified.
  9.   Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.
10.   Abusers are possessive.

CRITICAL CHARACTERISTICS OF VERBAL ABUSE

1.    The abuser sees an argument as WAR. 
2.    She is always wrong in his eyes. 
3.    He has an array of control tactics in conflict.

• sarcasm
• ridicule
• distorting what you say
• sulking
• accusing you of doing what he does, or thinking the way he thinks
• using a tone of absolute certainty and final authority-"defining reality"
• interrupting
• not listening, refusing to respond
• laughing out loud at your opinion or perspective
• turning your grievances around to use against you
• changing the subject to HIS grievances
• criticism that is harsh, undeserved, or frequent
• provoking guilt
• playing the victim smirking, rolling his eyes, contemptuous facial expression
• yelling, out-shouting
• swearing
• name calling, insults, put-downs
• walking out towering over you
• walking toward you in an intimidating way
• blocking a doorway other forms of physical intimidation, such as getting too close
• threatening to leave you
• threatening to harm you

4.    He makes sure to get his way-by one means or another 

 

WILL HIS VERBAL ABUSE TURN TO VIOLENCE?

When he is mad at you, does he react by throwing things, punching doors, or kicking the car? Does he use violent gestures such as gnashing teeth, ripping at his clothes, or swinging his arms around in the air to show his rage? Have you been frightened when he does those things?

Is he willing to take responsibility for those behaviors and agree to stop them, or does he justify them angrily?

Can he hear you when you say that those bad behaviors frighten you, or does he throw the subject back on you, saying that you cause his behaviors, so it's your own problem if you're scared?

Does he attempt to use his scary behaviors as bargaining chips, such as saying that he won't punch walls if you are willing to stop going out with your friends? (My abuser used to say that he wouldn't scare me if I didn't make him angry ... no THREAT there!)

Does he deny that he even engaged in the scary behaviors, such as claiming that a broken door was caused by somebody else or that you are making up or exaggerating what happened?

Does he ever make veiled threats, such as "You don't want to see me mad," or "you don't know who you are messing with"?

Is he severely verbally abusive? Research studies indicate that the BEST behavioral predictor of which men will become violent to their partners is THEIR LEVEL OF VERBAL ABUSE.

 

ABUSER'S RESPONSE TO A POSSIBLE BREAK-UP

• Promising to change
• Entering therapy or an abuser program
• not drinking, attending AA
• making apologies
• telling you that you will be lost without him
• telling you that no one else will want to be with you
• threatening suicide
• saying that you are abandoning him
• making you feel guilty
• threatening to kidnap or take custody of the children
• threatening to leave you homeless with no financial resources
• turning very nice
• getting other people into pressuring you into giving him another chance
• taking care of things that you have been complaining about for a long time (e.g., finally fixing something around the house, getting a job, agreeing that you can go out with your friends)
• behaving in self destructive ways so that you will worry or feel sorry for him
• spreading rumors about you, trying to ruin your friendships or reputation
• starting a new relationship/affair to make you jealous or angry
• insisting that he has already changed
• spreading confidential information about you to humiliate you
• threatening or assaulting anyone you try to start a new relationship with, or anyone who is helping you
• getting you pregnant
• stalking you
• physically or sexually assaulting you
• trashing your house or car
• threatening to harm or kill you

He knows he used to be able to control you with charm, affection, and promises. He also remembers how well intimidation or aggression worked at other times. Now both of these tools are losing their effectiveness, so he tries to increase the voltages...

Mr. Lundy's book has so much good information. Even now, I find myself reading different parts of it. These aren't just lists ... they are signs ... things to look for.

If you are living this life, things are pretty bad ... and as scary as it might be to think about, things could even get worse.

Please take care of yourself.