I drove over to his house on a Sunday afternoon.  When I got there, Aydan came to the door looking awful.  His face was swollen, he had dark circles under his eyes, and hadn't bathed or shaved all weekend.  He said he had passed out.

We talked on the porch for a while until it got buggy.  He asked me inside.  His house stunk.  There were dirty dishes everywhere.  The garbage was full of beer cans and there was an empty liquor bottle on the table.  He offered me a beer, drank his and then drank "mine".  

We talked in circles, as usual.  Every time I tried to get back to talking about him, he'd change the subject.  He got more and more uncomfortable.  He seemed to be more interested in what was on TV and someone he was going to "meet" on the internet... (He claimed to be talking commodities, but after the fact, I think now that he was meeting some woman.)  I told him I had taken enough of his time and I really should be going.  He stopped me from leaving by asking, "What do you want from me?" 

I said, "I just want some peace.  I can accept you not loving me anymore, but I wish you didn't have to hate me." 

That made him mad.  Peace?  How dare I ask for peace when I was abandoning him!  He wanted to hurt me so he said, "I just hate that you ruined my chances with the most beautiful woman in the world." (he was talking about an ex-stripper that he imagined to be interested in him ... he always threw her up in my face when he hoped to make me jealous). 

I said, "Oh, for goodness sake.  I've had enough of this nonsense.  We are both better than this.  You never cared about that woman and she never cared about you.  You can try pushing whatever buttons you want to.  They aren't going to work anymore.  Take it back, Aydan."  He smirked and said something even more hateful and I got up and faced him like I would a child and said, "Take that back!"  That infuriated him.  He jumped up and tried to pick me up and throw me out of his house.  I had gotten pretty good at "spinning out of his grip" and I said, "I don't have my shoes or my keys!  I'm not leaving until you take that back!"

Now, here's where I should have gotten my keys and shoes and left, but I still thought, at that moment, that we could talk it through, and at least, say good-bye in a nice way.  I was wrong.

Aydan went into the other room.  I thought he left to chill out, get a beer, put on a shirt, or go to the bathroom ... but never did I imagine that he went in the other room to load a shotgun!!!  My heart sank when I heard the sound of a shotgun being pumped in the kitchen.  He came around the corner with the gun and my first thought was, "Well, I believe I have just lost this argument!"

I was afraid to look up at him, afraid to confront him ... Idid say, "Aw Aydan, put the gun away ..."  He was hollering and waving it around.  He showed me the gun, the chamber, the red shell, and through his spitting and red-faced screaming, he said first, that he was going to kill himself, second, that he was going to kill me and then himself, and finally that he was going to make me take him to Joey's house (my ex-husband and the man he imagined to be the source of our relationship problems) and kill him and then kill me.  I looked down and watched his movements from the corner of my eye, but when he said he wanted me to take him to Joey, I looked up.  The fact that I hadn't looked up when he threatened himself and me, but I looked up when he threatened Joey made him go NUTS!  He flew across the room and turned the barrel of the gun sideways against my throat.  Aydan was using the gun to push me against the back of the couch and the wall.  The gun was choking me so I put my hands up to push the barrel away.  Aydan almost smiled and said as calmly as that guy in "Natural Born Killers", "Careful, Darlin', your hand is close to the trigger and I wouldn't want you to shoot up my house or kill a neighbor!"  He seemed so calm and so evil, I started to cry.  I was sure, at that moment, that he was going to kill me. 

Aydan screamed, "DID I JUST BRING A GUN IN THIS ROOM?"  I whispered yes.  He screamed "I REPEAT. ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO JOEY?"  I whispered no.  He held the gun to my throat with his right hand and hit me with his left hand.  He screamed, "DID I JUST HIT YOU?"  I whispered yes.  He screamed, "DO YOU WANT MORE OF THIS?"  I whispered no.  He hollered "IS THIS LOVE TO YOU?"  I said louder and more firmly, NO SIR, IT IS NOT!

DID I JUST BRING A GUN IN THIS ROOM?

ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO JOEY? 

(He hit me)

DID I JUST HIT YOU?

DO YOU WANT MORE OF THIS?

IS THIS WHAT LOVE IS?

I started to cry again.  I figured if I was going to die anyway, I may as well be praying when I go!  I started to pray out loud, "Lord, I just ask you to surround us with a legion of angels and protect us both.  I ask you to cover this house and everything in it with the blood of Jesus.  Please send your Spirit ..."  I thought about my kids, my grandkids, my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters and ... and I thought about Joey.  If I was going to die anyway, NO WAY was I going to help Aydan kill anyone else!

Everything started to move in SLOW MOTION.  Aydan backed up a little bit, but he kept hollering.  I don't know what he said.  I was too scared.  I was thinking about my kids and wondering what would happen to them without me.  Aydan was waving the gun around and when the point of it seemed to be pointing at me I put my arm up and pushed it to the left or the right.  My arms were like lead.  I was afraid to move.  Every time I peeked at Aydan, his face was red with anger ... his eyes were bugged out and he was spitting all over the place when he hollered.  I couldn't believe this was "my Aydan" ... He acted like a man possessed!

At one point, I put my arm up to push the gun to the side and he grabbed my arm and pulled me up.  He told me to GET OUT.  I couldn't move!  I was afraid that if I turned my back on him, he would shoot me, because all the other times, he only hit me or pushed me when I turned my back on him.  I kept looking down.  I saw my shoes ... My keys were on the table. 

From the moment he walked into the room with a gun, screaming and spitting all over the place, I totally got that my life was being threatened. Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself and I needed to understand ... the lie that I could make things better ... the lie that it was MY JOB to stop him from killing himself ... a thousand things passed through my mind until the one defining thought:   

WELL, FOR GOD'S SAKE, TAYLOR, WAKE UP!  DO YOU DESERVE TO DIE ... BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T GET AWAY RIGHT NOW!  WAKE UP!!!   

I kept going ... I was absolutely terrified.  I was afraid Aydan might follow me so I drove as fast as I could away from his house.  About 10 minutes down the road, my cell phone rang.  I nearly jumped out of my skin.  I flipped the phone open and saw it was him.  I hesitated and realized if he was on the phone from his house, he couldn't follow me, so I took the call. I was crying so hard, I couldn't talk and I couldn't make sense out of anything he was trying to say.  I over shot a turn and told myself I needed to get it together.  I snapped the phone closed, tossed it on the passenger seat and put both hands on the wheel. 

I needed to concentrate on the road.  I had driven this road a hundred timesor more ... nothing new ... calm down ... I'm going to be okay ... calm down ... breath ... 

The phone rang again when I was on the Interstate.  I took the call.  It was Aydan again.  I listened to him and I cried.  I said I was sorry I had even come over that day.  I had wanted to find peace, but obviously, that wasn't ever going to happen!  He said he wanted me.  He said he wanted us to get through this.  He said he had too much anger and it scared him too.  He said he needed to get his head together.  He said he loved me and I cried.  I told him people don't hold guns on people they love.  He said he was sorry he had hurt me.  He didn't mean those things.  They weren't true.  I told him I was sorry that I had caused him so much hurt that a gun was the only way he could settle it.  I ended the conversation somewhere near my house.  I drove up to my house and realized I was a "sitting duck" if Aydan decided to come over so I left and drove around my neighborhood for hours.  I thought about what had happened, listened to music, and wondered what would happen to me?  At 2 or 3 in the morning, I was too tired to worry about much of anything anymore.  I drove by the house 3-4 times to make sure that no one was there and when I was pretty sure no one was, I drove up the driveway, parked the car, and let myself in the house.  I disarmed and armed the alarm system.  I was home.  I undressed in the dark.  I just wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.  I'd worry about what to do tomorrow ... 

The next morning, I had an e-mail from Aydan:

"Nothing is right.  I am not happy.  You are not happy.  We both are too busy defying each other to appreciate each other.  I want things done without having to ask, and you do too.  I no longer trust you.  I no longer believe you.  I am sorry.  I can't see you this way.  Things that needed to happen didn't, and the things that shouldn't have happened did.  I am sorry.  It's all my fault.  Love, Aydan"

Later that day, I called an old friend of mine with the sheriff's office.  He encouraged me to report Aydan.  I said, "That will just make him more angry!"  He said, "Well, maybe so, but he might get more angry anyway and law enforcement can't protect you if they don't know what's going on."  He asked me why I didn't go to the police the night before and I told him I was too scared.  I was embarrassed.  I didn't want to talk to a know-it-all rookie cop, fresh out of academy with no people skills ... He said, "Let me see who's at the desk and I'll call you back."  He called me back and told me to go talk to Jenson ... Jensen was a good guy.   

I packed some clothes ... some toiletries ... How hard can it be?  I couldn't do the simplest task!  I must have packed and repacked 3 or 4 times ... I loaded the car, got my dog and her stuff and headed out to a friend's, realizing that Aydan would be getting off work soon ... and I needed to be somewhere else before he got off work ...  

I called my friend and she went with me to the police station ... I filed the initial report.    Aydan was arrested and charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature.  When they gave him his one free phone call, he called me! 

Did he really think the person who had him arrested would come and bail him out?  Does that make any sense?  It didn't to me, but apparently, lots of women report their boyfriends, husbands or partners and a few hours later, they are exactly the same ones to go pick them up ... not me!  I didn't want Aydan to go to jail, but I was too afraid to go anywhere near him.    

He was ordered not to talkto me, as if a court order would stop him from doing what he wanted to do!  He had two of his friends call me.  They told me Aydan was beside himself with grief ... that he wanted all of this to be over with so he and I could get married!  What a lie!  I asked them WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  Give me a break.  A week before, Aydan had said he hated me and wished I was dead and now, he's telling his boss and his friends that he thought I was "the one" and he wanted us to "work everything out"?!!!  I've had some bizarre proposals and propositions before, but this one takes the cake!  I told them I wasn't the first woman Aydan had abused, but maybe, this would cause him to get some help and I might be the last?  I told them there wasn't anything I could do about a felony charge between the state and Aydan, and even if there was something I could do, I'm not sure I would.  Aydan had hurt me!  He scared the hell out of me with that gun!  I wanted Aydan to get help!

Abuse doesn't start with physical violence.  An abuser can do just as much damage and establish "his control" by tearing away at your mind and spirit before he ever harms your body.

In the September, 2004 issue of OPRAH Magazine, toward the back is an article about abuse:

Abusive Men: The Red Flags

1. He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away.
2. He hates his mother and is nasty to her.
3. He wants your undivided attention.
4. He must always be in charge.
5. He always has to win.
6. He breaks promises all the time.
7. He can't take criticism and always justifies his actions.
8. He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong.
9. He's jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men.
10. He always asks you where you went and whom you saw.
11. He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable.
12. He has a mean temper.
13. He often says you don't know what you're talking about.
14. He makes you feel like you're not good enough.
15. He withdraws his love or approval as punishment.
16. He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.

The article in the magazine says ... THESE MEN DON'T COME WITH WARNING LABELS ... That's the TRUTH!!!  But that list of red flags is a good place to start!  Another book breaks down the abuse:

LOVING HIM WITHOUT LOSING YOU
by Beverly Engel  

Ms. Engel breaks down the various forms of abuse and the effect of that abuse.  

Emotional Abuse  

There are many ways of being abused without anyone laying a hand on you.  Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.  Whether it is done by constant berating or belittling, by intimidation, by manipulation, or under the guise of "guidance" or "teaching", the results are similar.  Eventually, you lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.  

Domination  

Those who have a need to dominate have to have their own way - insisting on making all the decisions, not allowing the other person to have an opinion or speak their mind.  Men who dominate also need to be in charge, and because of this they often try to control their partner's every action.  

Unreasonable Expectations  

When your partner's needs and expectations are unreasonable, you can never win.  It is unreasonable for a man to expect that you will put everything aside to satisfy his every whim.  It is unreasonable for someone to expect that you will put up with selfishness, constant demands, and ingratitude indefinitely.  The more you give him, the more permission you give him to find fault in you!  

Verbal Abuse  

This behavior involves berating, belittling, criticizing, name-calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.  It is extremely damaging to your self-esteem and self-image.  Verbal abuse assaults the mind and the spirit, causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal.  

Blaming  

A blamer is a person who automatically assumes that whenever something goes wrong it is someone else's fault.  This person never admits to being responsible for something or for doing something wrong.  He will always justify or rationalize his behavior by trying to convince you that his behavior is an understandable reaction to some deficiency in you, or that he was provoked into doing it by something you did ... Women with a damaged sense of self are especially susceptible to men who blame because they tend to blame themselves so much. It's almost automatic to look to herself first as the cause of problems in her relationships.  She is the first to acknowledge her faults and shortcomings and to admit any mistakes she may have made.  This gives a blamer ample ammunition to use against her in the future.  The next time there is a disagreement, he will bring up her vulnerable as the reasons for his poor behavior.  

Constant Criticism  

When someone continuously finds fault, can never be pleased, and is unrelentingly critical of you, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage.  This type of abuse eats away at your self-confidence and sense of worth.  Eventually you become convinced that nothing you do is worthwhile, and you may feel like giving up.  

Emotional Blackmail  

Emotional Blackmail is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation.  It occurs when someone either consciously or unconsciously coerces other people into doing what he wants by playing on their fear, guilt, or compassion.  Women, in particular, are easily exploited because they tend to place others' wishes and feelings ahead of their own.  You are being emotionally blackmailed when a man threatens to end a relationship if you don't give him what he wants,or when he rejects you or distances himself from you until you give in to his demands.  If your partner gives you the "cold shoulder" whenever he is displeased with you, threatens to leave you, or uses other fear tactics to get you under his control, he is using the tactic of emotional blackmail. 

The following are warning signs that you are being emotionally blackmailed:

• Your Partner asks you to choose between something you want to do and him.
• Your partner asks you to give up something or someone as a way of proving your love for him.
• Your partner threatens to leave you if you don't change.  

True emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:

• It is constant, as opposed to occasional.
• The intent is to devalue and denigrate rather than to simply state a complaint.
• The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide constructive criticism.
• The person has an overall attitude of disrespect towards you, rather than just not liking something specific you are doing.  

Don't allow your partner to
verbally, emotionally or physically
abuse you.

Verbal abuse includes calling you derogatory names (bitch, whore) or telling you are stupid, ugly, fat or insane. 

Emotional abuse is trying to make you think you are crazy, threatening to end the relationship if you don't do as he says, or threatening to hit you if you don't be quiet. 

Physical abuse includes hitting, punching, pushing, tripping, or dragging.  It also includes breaking down doors, putting his fist through windows, breaking dishes, or throwing things at you. 

Tactics of intimidation are forms of abuse, even if he doesn't physically touch you.  Don't tolerate these tactics.  Call them what they are:

ABUSE.

Okay ... you are willing to say
if only to yourself,
that you are being abused ...
Now what?

Get the September, 2004 article if you can or check out the link below (Getting out, Safely is a link to Oprah's site).  If any of that "speaks to you" and you know you have to get away, read the checklists , get organized and get out!

Getting Out, Safely

Oprah's site has good information.  The most important thing is for you (and your children) to be safe.

Are you in a safe place?

If you have been a victim of violence the first thing you need to consider is your own safety. Even if the abuser is in police custody, he or she may be released in 12 hours. You may want to stay with your friends or family. If that's not possible, or if it puts your loved ones in danger, you can call 911 and ask them if they can help you locate a women's shelter near you?  You can contact:

National Domestic Violence Hotline
        800-799-SAFE

... which provides 24-hour crisis intervention and referrals to local services. You can also look in the government pages of the phone book, ask at the hospital, or call 911 to find agencies and shelters in your area.  The staff at the Shelter will be able to suggest options for safe housing, community resources, counseling, legal advocates, and support groups.

Caution: Be careful if you call from a phone that you share with your abuser.  If you phone a lawyer, shelter, hotline, or service agency, hang up and immediately dial the local time or some other innocuous number so that your partner can't use *69 or the redial button to trace the call. If you have caller ID, make sure to erase all incoming numbers that could tip him off.

Caution:  Be careful if you use a computer that you share with your abuser.  You should also be careful going on the Internet. It's safest to use a computer your partner doesn't have access to (at work, the public library). Otherwise, cover your tracks by deleting "cookies"(once you're online, go to the Help box, click on Index, and find Cookies for instructions) and recently visited Web sites (you'll need to clear your History list and empty your Cache files again, go to Help option for details).

Caution:  If you are thinking about leaving, do not tell your abuser you are going to leave!  It has taken him YEARS to break you in!  You don't think he's just going to let you leave that easy, do you?  You have to have a plan.


Do you have a safety plan?

Here are some things to think about and arrange when creating a safety plan for yourself.

1. Take steps to increase your financial self-reliance. Establish your own checking account, one separate from that of your partner. Establish credit in your own name, if you can do so safely. Try to establish an emergency fund and add to it whenever possible.

2. Maintain close contact with family, friends, and neighbors. Establish a code in case an emergency arises (i.e. If you call and use an agreed upon word that signals you're in danger).

3. Keep copies of all-important records with a friend or family member. Birth certificates, social security cards, immunization records, insurance policies, car titles, bank account records, blank checks, mortgage information, health insurance cards, etc.

4. Keep a suitcase packed. You can leave it with someone so that your partner won't find it.

5. Keep a set of car keys hidden, preferably outside somewhere, or in a magnetic case on the car. If you leave by car, lock the car doors as soon as you get in.

6. Plan what to do before a violent incident occurs. Leave the room or the home if your partner becomes violent. Have an escape route planned to get out of the house.

7. Know where a safe place is and arrange with a trusted person for transportation to get you there. Call the police if necessary to help you with the children and know other emergency numbers to call. If you have injuries, go directly to the hospital.

8. If you work outside he home, give your employer basic information and instructions not to tell your partner of your plans and to call the police if he comes to your workplace. Leave instructions with your children's school, day care, or baby-sitter that you are the only person who will pick the children up. Make it clear that the children are never to leave with anyone but you.

Provided courtesy of Middle Way House 
Mailing address:  P.O. Box 95, Bloomington, IN  47402 - (812) 336-0846


Most of all, take care of yourself ... one day at a time.  It won't be easy, especially at first ... but keep going.  It will be easier.  The further you get away from the constant name calling, nagging, demeaning, complaining, bad moods and foul temper tantrums ... the easier it is to keep going!

It's been over 2 years since I was actively involved in this abusive relationship.  My former abuser still IMAGINES that he actually rescues his victims from an even worse fate than his treatment of us and he only "corrected" any of us "for our own good".  Aydan see himself as a "good, honest man" who has had to teach us women the difference between right and wrong, as in ... he is ALWAYS RIGHT and we are ALWAYS WRONG!  

It is such a RELIEF to have outgrown that place ... BUT just because I am stronger does NOT mean that I will allow myself to let down my guard down where he is concerned.  People either get better or they get worse.  Every time he abuses a woman, he goes a little further.  I consider him armed and dangerous.  He is too easily provoked! 

The best I can do for myself and my family is take care of me.  The best thing you can do to take care of yourself and your family is ...

Take care of YOU !!!

Red Flag! 

I did end up checking out Aydan's stories later.  His first wife that couldn't "get away from her mother" was TERRIFIED.  Aydan abused her and she often ran to her mother and brothers for protection from his angry outbursts.  Because of his behavior, she was able to get the court to order supervised visitation and because Aydan was humiliated by the suggestion that he needed to be supervised, he refused to see his son at all!  He also refused to support his son financially.  His son ended up calling someone else Dad ... which of course, Aydan blamed on her.  Of course it couldn't have been because Aydan had abandoned his son and never spent any time with him.  

His second wife told me that he wouldn't let her leave the house without him.  She was not even allowed to use the bathroom with the door shut!  He often told her in the heat of arguments that he would kill her if she ever left him.  I asked her about the wedding story.  Instead of being the victim of humiliation like he had said, he humiliated her, embarrassed her entire family and nearly ruined the wedding with his bad attitude.  Her family begged her to stay with them instead of returning home with him.  Aydan had cried and apologized and she ended up going home with him, only to be screamed at for four hours on the trip back.  She literally had to flee from the home and go into hiding to get away from him.  She never had him charged with domestic violence and divorced him through an attorney because she was afraid of confronting him directly.  Nearly 15 years later, she still sleeps with a gun and has nightmares.  

The girlfriend who ran over him with the car?  She had a different story to tell too.  She said she had liked the fact that he was a musician but as time went by, she realized how crazy he was, and it scared her.  He had verbally and physically assaulted her several times ... infact her arm and shoulder still hurt from one of their last fights that happened years ago.  She said, "He even tells people that I ran over him with a car!  The truth is he showed up and started threatening me, and when I tried to leave, he jumped in front of my car and threw himself on the hood!  He rolled off and I left."  She called him a repeat offender.  

I spent the better part of three years angry with these women for turning "poor Aydan" against women and making it so hard on me to have a good relationship with such a hurt man!  I can't count the times he would lose his temper and then, apologize, "I'm sorry.  You reminded me of (fill in the blank) when she hurt me and I'm so afraid of being hurt like that again ..." 

After I filed charges against Aydan, these women were the most supportive, encouraging me to do what they wished they had done.  

Back to my story ...

In the beginning, I felt like Aydan and I were getting closer every time we talked.  It felt good to be so open.  It seemed like we agreed about everything!  He was so masculine and yet, so sensitive, always seeming to know the right things to say to make me feel better.  

In fact, he was SO FLATTERING.  So much attention! 

The same personality traits
that make Aydan crazy are the same things
that made him crazy about me! 

I knew his attention was "over the top" but it felt so good to be "adored".  He told me I was amazing!  He compared me to "gentry".  He talked about my Nordic features like I was a super model.  I didn't feel beautiful or intelligent or successful, so when he said all those things, I wanted so badly to believe him.  Listening to his flattery beat the heck out of listening to my own self doubts.  Aydan said what I wanted to hear and I worshipped him for it.  I would have done anything for him.  I can remember just watching him for hours.  I couldn't wait to hear what he would say next because most of the things he said were SO WONDERFUL.

Red Flag!   

Aydan was very attentive.  He would cook for me.  He'd plan every outing and date.  He'd ask me about current events and philosophical theories.  He hung on my every word!  He'd tenderly wrap me in a blanket if I was cold BEFORE I even asked!  He'd seem to plan his whole life around ME!  He always seemed to drop everything to have the chance to talk to me on the phone, on the internetor in person.  He would drive 45 minutes to my home and 45 minutes back to his house just to have a hug and a kiss good night!    

Red Flag!  

One time, he took me to a movie in his truck.  It was dark.  There were lots of people walking through the parking lot and I spotted a parking place.  I pointed out the space.  He looked at me with complete contempt and said, "Since YOU picked out THAT SPACE and I'm driving, I'm going to park where I want to park.  Is that okay with you?"  Again, I was stunned by how angry he got over a parking place, and stammered, "Sure ... OK".  When we got to the ticket office, he asked me what I wanted to see.  I just shook my head.  I figured if I couldn't pick out a parking place, I sure as hell better not pick outa movie!  I sat through most of the movie, wondering what I had done to set him off ...  

Red Flag!  

Once when we were eating out, he was talking, and being the people watcher that I am, I glanced around the room while he was talking.  He turned in the direction I had glanced, saw a man standing in the crowd and said, "Would you rather be talking to him?"  Again, my mouth dropped and I was stunned.  I spent the rest of the evening staring at my plate and again, wondering what I had done that was so wrong?  

Red Flag! 

Toward the end of our relationship, Aydan rented "Natural Born Killers" and told me it was his favorite movie!  I watched it with him and told him I thought it was disturbing.  He laughed at me.  What did he do to comfort me? He rented it a second time!

Red Flag!

Another time, I was telling him about an acquaintance who had been beaten up by her husband.  He interrupted what I was saying and said, "What did she do to deserve it?"  I was too shocked to continue.

Red Flag!  

Now, if every date had been this way, the relationship never would have lasted 3 years!  Of course, there were sweet times in between.  There was slow dancing in his living room.  There were long walks where we held hands.  There were beautiful sunsets and sunrises.  We gazed at stars together.  We washed cars and planted flowers and painted porches and played with kittens and flew kites.  Aydan even sang to me one night when I couldn't sleep ...

... but for no reason, he would become dark and scary.  I never knew what set him off or why he turned dark ... I just learned to walk on eggshells and tread very carefully ...

The scary times began to be more commonplace.

Aydan is the meanest,
most selfish man I have ever known!
He said everything he thought
I wanted to hear in the beginning,
only to take it all back
in the end.
  

He accused me of things I'd never do.
He assumed things that just weren't true.
I used to defend myself
against all the false accusation
but
they came so fast and so frequently,
what was the use?

He was going to believe what he believed.
Don't confuse him with FACTS!
I know the truth.
I know the things I struggled with.

Most of the worst things were him!

I was beginning to get tired of working so hard to please him.  In fact, I was beginning to think THERE WAS NO PLEASING HIM.  Instead of giving into his demands, I started standing up for myself.  I was convinced that I needed to stand up for what I believed in and do what I believed was right, whether he liked it or not.  He didn't like it one bit.

Red Flag!

He tried everything to get me back under his control.

Red Flag!

He called me horrible, ugly names, and if I asked him to stop calling me a name, he called me THAT NAME even more.  One time, he called me something vile and I slapped him, and turned to walk away.  When I turned my back, he rushed me, and threw me down on the floor!  I was stunned.  He let go.  I sat there.  Do you know what he said?  "Taylor, you really need to get self-defense classes ... You should never turn your back on an adversary.  Do you see how you left yourself open?"  It was like he was turning his abuse into a self-defense class!    

I am excited for the chance to tell my story to you ... not because I am so special, but because when I first started to recover from an abusive relationship, there were people who helped me, and now, maybe my story will help you?

I never thought I would be the kind of woman that would be a victim of domestic violence ... I thought I was too smart ... but anybody can be a victim!  Victims come from everywhere ... We are pretty and plain, short and tall, old and young, all races, all creeds ... We can be in your church.  Our kids can be on the same soccer team.  You might even pass us in the grocery store.  We could be high school drop-outs or college professors.  We are everywhere!

The way we become a victim is slow and not so pretty ... 

The way we take back our lives and become survivors is AWESOME!  

I did it.  You can do it too!  Maybe, my words will help you start the recovery process?  Maybe, they'll encourage you along the way?  Maybe, I will remind you of a darker time in your own life, and like me, you will be thankful that those memories were lessons learned in the distant past?  My words and wish for you are from the same place we all start recovery ... hope.