SPECIAL INVITATION Blogstream is going to have our own discussion Group. Pup is going to host it! Sign up at Oprah.Com. Buy the book. There are some downloads & worksheets @ Oprah.Com First Class starts Monday, March 3 (9 p.m. eastern standard time) You are all welcome to join us at: "A New Earth" Discussion Group by Puppy
In this age of social dis-connectivity and lack of human contact, the effects of the Free Hugs campaign became phenomenal. In the Spirit of the free hugs campaign, PASS THIS TO A FRIEND and HUG A STRANGER! After all, If you can reach just one person..." MacKenzie's Inner Fire by Mackenzie90
ANTIQUES & OLD LACE Antiques and lace just seem to go together for me. It reminds me of the times I would go to my grandmother's house, and hear the old grandfather clock, and touch her old quilts, and textures of the old pillow slips she made for her couch. I decorate my home with the things that mean the most to me. Things from the past ... Antiques and Lace, times gone by, yet very much in the present. Against A Crooked Sky by summerrayne
Now if you're feeling weary ... If you've been alone too long. Maybe you've been suffering from A few too many plans that have gone wrong. And you're trying to remember How fine your life used to be ... ... Because that was the river And this is the sea! Behold the sea!
(I love them ... and I am blonde! Thanks Miss Lou!)
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!" Lou's World by Miss Lou
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No" Lou's World by Miss Lou
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you." Lou's World by Miss Lou
Look at that old dude with the funny hat walking by. I bet he’s one of those ‘mall-walking’ old geezers trying to reverse 50 years of bad habits – thinking he’s going to live to be a hundred while I’ll have to bust my ass till I’m 85 - to make sure he gets his Social-Security checks.
"I Scratch Dragon shall hence forth, embrace my inner vanilla. And anyone who has a problem with my Vanillaness shall find themselves up to their scrawny necks in dragon poo! I shall NOT go quietly into that good night!! (oh wait.. that’s Dylan Thomas not me.) damn.. And I wanted to follow up with something really lofty and poetic.. Hmmm let me think here.. TO Be Or not to Be!" “Uhhhmmm.. Scratch?” “Yes My sexy little sugar plum?” “That’s William Shakespeare.” “Chit.” Echoes From The Tomb. by Scratch
6 TRUTHS OF LIFE! 1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it. 3. The first truth is a lie. 4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot. 5. You will soon forward this to another idiot. 6. There is still a stupid smile on your face. sabrina by indian
Randy...I don't think passion or logic is held in the testicles... That's where the male brain is...right...? INSIDE THE FLAME by ^BELLE^
On many males, that's true, Belle....but I'm different! My Randy testicles are softer and gentler testicles .... er... well, you know what I mean. Life After The Hollow by Randy
Do you know why most men give their penis a name? (Mine is manilo) That way it's not like taking orders from a stranger... illumination guy's by illumination guy's ( like Barry Manilo? )
Getting fashionable for women to name the sisters, too. Heidi Klum's are Hans and Franz, Jennifer Love Hewitt's are Thelma and Louise --mine are Andy and Barney-- Fairweather Lewis by Fairweather Lewis
Glad that I am so wise and intelligent, so suave and debonaire, and so gigantic that there are no insecurities. It is too bad others are so wrapped up in theirs that they do not perceive my assets.. We have met the enemy and he is us by sinann
Sometime's, we encourage our friends to do what's best for them! I did end up taking Friday off (thanks Whit, Taylor & Bohemian for encouraging me to!) The weather was terrible all day...snowed the entire day. It was nice to just hibernate. Typin2u's Thoughts by Typin2u
Taken by me
I'm a "Deer Hunter's Widow" ... Something strange happens to these normally sane men whenever the deer go into rut. They turn into maniacs with guns. And neither rain nor snow nor dark of night, nor tears, nor threats, nor quadruple bypass surgery can keep them from their appointed tree stands. It's like they go all postal on us. They leave the house before daylight, come home at dark, fall asleep, sometimes with their face in the mashed potatoes, then around four o'clock in the morning we hear the pitter-patter of little hunting boots going out the door. I've heard tell that a couple of these men have even brought a deer home with them on occasion. (The rest of Lady Lee's account had me LMBO! Check it out!)
Speaking of money... reminds me of Larry The Cable Guy... He said he was in a strip club and tried to tip the stripper with Monopoly money. She Says: Hey! This isn't real money! He Says: Don't matter. Them ain't real titties. INSIDE THE FLAME by ^BELLE^
I'm glad everyone is liking the little soap opera I've written! Those of you who haven't been included as characters yet can rest easy ---you'll be coming into the story soon enough!! heh heh THIS SIDE OF 40: Life With BryM by Bry_M
DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE USED TO BE A FEBRUARY 30TH? February 30 was a real date at one point in time in Sweden and the Soviet Union. However, the introduction of this date was temporary. In Sweden, February 30 resulted from an error with calendar conversion in the 18th century. About two centuries later, the Soviet revolutionary calendar featured February 30 as a result of an attempt to cut seven-day weeks into five-day weeks and to introduce 30-day months for every working month ... (interesting post ... read the rest at ...) ChickenLittles by LilLadyReg
I walked to the road's end where the weeds made ways for me and there it was... the homestead. I noticed that the windows were broken and the doors part open like an old toothless worn coon.
Than I remembered how it was yesterday here when the place was solid oak, I thought, and held together by lightning bolts!
The day the giants in wet leather streamed over the hill with pitch forks and shovels as me and my dog Woody mowed 'em aside on our way to the mulberry tree at the creek.
Or the time we were surrounded by the Indian nation... captured and smeared with red clay from the bank before heading out with them to the neighbors farm where the last sighting of the "White Buffalo" had taken place. I collected crow's feathers on the way..just in-case.
Now tangled in vine and choked by time, the real homestead and dog Woody too ...now long gone,
The New Kid on the Block There is a new kid on the block, and that new kid is taking over the neighborhood. That “kid” is China, which is rapidly becoming a major economic power. A hundred years ago, it was the United States that was the emerging economic power to be reckoned with; today, it is China. According to many economic forecasts, China is on course to challenge the U.S. economy to a greater extent than any other country ever has. Many economists predict that China, which is already making 70 percent of the world’s toys, 60% of its bicycles, half its shoes, and one-third of its luggage, will surpass the United States as the world’s largest economy within 20 years. Whit's Whittlings by Whit's Whittlings
The point I'm trying to make here is that an inspirational speaker is what you need in church. A bonifide leader is what we need in Washington. Combined Letters of a Pyed Wacket by Pyewacket
Thought for the day: The third leading cause of death, after cancer and heart disease is medical treatment. Ice on the Windshield by -ice-
The curious part of this story at Big Chris' is ...
"There is no definitive test for ricin, which in proper doses can be used to treat cancer."
"It can be in the form of a powder, a mist or a pellet and can be inhaled or ingested. There is no known antidote and most victims die within 36 hours to 72 hours from exposure to as little as a pinhead amount of the substance."
Distant thunder crashed the stillness Storms swirl on the horizon Dark clouds envelope the scene Darkness contrasts light Wind disturbs quietness Birds seek shelter Flowers bend heads Souls quivering impending doom Souls seeking protection Hearts weaken Minds distort Voice crashes anxious soul - BE NOT AFRAID! Love Letters by ronaz
We need to stop and enjoy the individualism we all bring and break from social and personal dysfunction that is always amongst us. I will never be but a small part in a bigger picture, I accept this.. One in Six Billion by Sole's Denounce
It tells a better pictoral story enlarged, but then again, it is like the stream here, it isn't until you really get to 'know' a bloggers writing that you get the 'bigger picture'. We mostly came to the stream to release parts of us struggling for a means of release, and in the long run, it rewards us back. Validation is a cool feeling, whether we need it or not. Whispered Promises by Whispered Promise
"When your tongue is silent, you can rest in the silence of the forest. When your imagination is silent, the forest speaks to you, tells you of its unreality and the Reality of God. But when your mind is silent, then the forest suddenly becomes magnificently real and blazes transparently with the Reality of God ..."
Darkness carries so much light, if only we can see it. Only faith brings the torch. It lights the way eternal, no longer needing to see. overthemoon by n. lynn
I simply want to reassure each and every person who reads this that there is always hope, no matter how hopeless the day may appear. Life Beyond The Secret by Sher Bear
Once I believed that I could change the world. I never even made a dent. It is a certainty that the world changed me. Second Chances by Coloconnect
An Irish Ghost Story This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!! John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on . The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and ... wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... "Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"
The Eagles Learn To Be Still Lyrics It's just another day in paradise As you stumble to your bed You'd give anything to silence Those voices ringing in your head You thought you could find happiness Just over that green hill You thought you would be satisfied But you never will- Learn to be still Moon~Stories by Anonymous
Someone will have a better career. Someone's houses will always be bigger.
Someone will drive a better car.
Her husband might fix more things around the house or spend more time with his family. His wife might be a better household manager, decorator or cook.
Their children might do better in school.
Just let those things go.
In 100 years, none of that will matter So does it really matter now? Love YOU and your circumstances.
Think about it!
The handsomest man in the world might have hell in his heart.
The most highly favored woman on your job
might not be able to have children.
The richest person you know with all those beautiful things might be the loneliest.
The jerk who cut you off in traffic last night, might be a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry just so she can spend a few precious moments with her children.
The pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly, might be a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loan.
The scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) might be a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
The old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress, might be savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
If we don't have LOVE, we don't have anything.
Love who YOU are! Count your blessings.
Look in the mirror in the morning, smile and say,
"I am too blessed to be stressed!"
Of all the gifts God gave us, the greatest gift is love. We can open our hearts to patience, empathy and mercy. It's so easy to judge people by what we see, but what if we knew their whole story? Everybody is struggling with something.
To the world you might be just one person,
but to that one person you meet today that was hoping for "a sign", your smile, your kind word, your consideration
Not everyone who finds themselves in a destructive relationship is addicted to destructive relationships, or the need to fix/help/change destructive people. Sometimes, we find ourselves in the middle of something that becomes quite different from what we started. It's confusing to have plans and expectations suddenly take a 180-degree turn, but life happens that way sometimes.
Life can turn on a dime, and when it does, we might have to rethink our own position on the direction we are going.
A few weeks ago, I said the best support anyone can give is to ask you what YOU want. We have talked about my decisions throughout this journal. We have talked about options. I know we have talked about this a dozen different ways but ...
What Do YOU Really Want?
Give yourself all the time you need to answer that question, because no one can "reason their way out of this place"!!! We can read. We can talk to our closest friends. We can go for long walks. We can pray. All of that helps, but in the end, our hearts decide.
I can't and won't tell you what to do. You can decide what's best for you.
I decided that I liked myself too much to let anyone abuse me anymore. I decided that being alone was better than being with someone who made my head swim with all his demands. I decided that being alone was better than being with someone who made my stomach churn every time he hollered at me or called me names. I decided that being alone was better than walking on eggshells, waiting for the next shoe to drop, and defending my every action and thought ... I decided to live for me instead of for him.
The physical abuse wasn't as bad as the emotional abuse. He was killing my spirit and breaking my heart with every mean word and ugly name! I put up with a lot of pushing, shoving, belittling and name calling before he ever carried that gun in the room. I always hoped things would get better but they never did. Most things in a relationship are negotiable, but the gun was not.
Haven't you put up with things too?
Maybe, he drinks too much? Maybe, he gets crabby when he's hungry or tired or frustrated ... Maybe, you don't mind it when he takes it out on you? Maybe, he eats with his mouth open, smacking his lips and biting his fork the whole time he's criticizing your table manners? Maybe he dresses like a bum and criticizes the clothes you wear? Maybe, he tries to keep you away from your friends and family? Maybe, he makes fun of you in front of other people? Maybe, you think he needs you and you are the only one that really understands him? Maybe, you are afraid of hurting him like everyone else has? Maybe, there was a reason all those others hurt him! Maybe, he deserved what he got? Is he a Jerk most of the time?
I don't know what your answers are. I do know that while you and I spend all this time worrying about them, the abusers are certainly NOT thinking about us!
I struggled with my own answers until Aydan went too far ... I had no choice. It wasn't what my heart wanted to do, but I had to turn away. It was too dangerous to stay.
Know what happened when I got away from all that?
My head hardly ever hurt anymore! My stomach only churns when I'm really hungry. My friends say I seem so relaxed. I became more patient with other people because I wasn't wasting all my energy on him! I found myself smiling and singing with the radio more.
My energy came back! I felt like me before there ever was a him ... but this ME is older and wiser ... a new and improved version!
I saw couples walking together and I noticed how some older men care for their wives. I saw men bringing their wives coffee and holding their hands and touching their shoulders when they leaned in to say something ... I watched them dance like people do when they have danced together for a very long time. I thought about what kind of man I wanted to wake up with and what kind of man I wanted to share coffee with and what kind of man I wanted to share new things with. I wanted him to be gentle. I wanted him to smile easily. I wanted him to tell me what he really wants and I wanted to feel free to say what I really want and then we would do those things for each other.
That's not a pipe dream! There are good men out there. There are men who would be thrilled to have a woman like you! There are men who have chosen to stay by themselves until someone just like you comes along, but you can't be that woman until you let go of the past ... the past that hurt you and the people who need to stay in the past ... Let them go! Walk away. Just walk away. You are already moving closer to your dream. He could be in the next coffee shop, on the next bus, in the next book store, sitting across from you in church. He could already be in your life, pretending to be just your friend while you get over that loser!
Yes, I said it! That mean guy is a LOSER. Your mean guy lost you, right? He lost everyone else. He's going to lose the next one too, unless he changes and that isn't likely. Abusers, by their very nature, hardly ever change because they don't think there's anything wrong with them!
You know I'm telling the truth!
When your guy fights, who apologizes? You, right?
How often has he ever said he was wrong? He can't! He isn't capable of it! Maybe, that's okay with you ... Maybe, you are willing to sacrifice your own sanity and happiness to try to make him happy? You aren't the first person to do that. There aren't any statues erected to women like that and there aren't any books about those kind of relationships because who would want to buy them?
I'm going to be the hero in my story! I found my happy ending! You can too!
I'd gladly lay down my life for a friend but guys like Aydan are not our friends! They are not even NICE GUYS even though they say they are! They don't even think they are abusers because they can always point to someone who is much worse!
No one can tell you what to do. There was a time, I wouldn't have listened to anybody either, but I heard the truth in other people's stories. I noticed how other people interacted with each other. I really knew things weren't right. You are reading my story and some of it sounds familiar. You might think your man wouldn't ever threaten you with a gun ... I never would have thought Aydan would do that either! It shocked me when he did, although now, after years of recovery, I am more surprised that I didn't see it coming!
Looking back, there were odd comments and unusual actions that lead up to the last episode, but I did what you might be doing right now. I might have ignored a comment I didn't understand. I might have made an excuse for his bad mood. I might have even taken the blame for one of his temper tantrums, thinking it was my fault for making him mad. None of us ever wants to think the worst of someone we care about. We want to give them every opportunity to redeem themselves, even if they never really do.
Abusive people just get more abusive because it's all they know. The sad thing is they aren't even mad at us. They feel cornered, trapped in their own rage. They are anxious about their own inadequacies and taking their anxiety out on us. We don't deserve that! I don't care what you have done or what kind of life you have lived. None of us deserves to stand in for all the hurts and disappointments in someone else's life!
We all deserve healing.
Do you know who has the power to heal you? YOU! Do you know who has the power to heal him? HIM!
You can't "save" anyone else, and no one else can "save" you! It's a personal path. It's one that each of us has to take. God can heal you, but you have to be willing. You have to make the effort to see your own weakness and ask for help, and then, trust Him to heal you ... deeper than any self-help book or hour long talk show ... deeper than the hurt goes ... deeper than anything has ever reached.
I don't have all the answers ... not even close, but I am closer to asking the right questions and now, I'm asking you...
What Do YOU Really Want?
Make a decision. Make a choice. Stick with it. Trust that every thing will work out. Let your heart be transformed. As you are transformed, every thing in your life will change too! You can find peace and a place that feels safe for you! I will celebrate with you ... because you will have done the work and taken the steps to change your life for the better. You will have created a new life for you and your children ... a life without abuse. You will finally be FREE ... but until that day ... as always ...
Take Care Of YOU!
HEY THERE Rosemary Clooney
Hey there, you with the stars in your eyes Love never made a fool of you,
You used to be too wise Hey there, You on that high-flyin' cloud Though he won't throw a crumb to you,
You think some day he'll come to you.
Better forget him ... Him with his nose in the air. He has you dancin' on a string, Break it and he won't care!
Won't you take this advice I hand you like a mother Or are you not seein' things too clear? Are you too much in love to hear? Is it all goin' in one ear and out the other?
Hey there, you with the stars in your eyes [Are you talking to me?] Love never made a fool of you [Not until now] You used to be too wise [Yes, I was once]
Will you take this advice I hand you like a mother? Or am I not seein' things too clear? Are you just too far gone to hear? Is it all goin' in one ear and out the other?
Real love is not addiction nor is addiction love. Yet, because of the human condition, these two experiences seem to come together and result in the incredible pain and suffering we are witness to or experience directly. We are drawn to the chemical highs love, sex and romance produce. The neurochemistry of love can become a drug as difficult to give up as alcohol or cocaine. Words we often associate with addiction include obsessive, excessive, destructive, compulsive, habitual, attached, and dependent. And when you think about it, some of these words are also used to talk about love. And the similarities do not stop there.
The love addict may understand intellectually that their behavior is self destructive, but physically and emotionally they are drawn into it over and over again. The number and variety of out of control behaviors when love is withdrawn are becoming legion in the daily news: “Young woman ends abusive love relationship and is brutally murdered.” “CEO charged with sexual harassment.” “Coach sued for child support by a former lover.” “Domestic abuse charges filed by wife of a professional sports star.” “Public official caught in scandalous affair.” How is it that we are simultaneously seeking wellness and love but descending into a well of violence and obsession?
What is love addiction?
Love addiction is any unhealthy attachment to people, euphoria, romance or sex in an attempt to get needs met. Psychologically, love addiction is a reliance on someone external to the self in an attempt to heal past trauma, get unmet needs fulfilled, avoid fear or emotional pain, solve problems, fill our loneliness and maintain balance. The paradox is that love addiction is an attempt to gain control of our lives, and in so doing; we go out of control by giving personal power to someone outside ourselves. Addictive love is an attempt to satisfy our developmental hunger for security, sensation, power, belonging, and meaning. Love addiction is very often associated with feelings of “never having enough” or “not being enough.” None of us got everything we needed in just the way we needed it in our developmental history. We literally walk around with holes in our psyche and look for others to fill those holes.
No matter how it plays out, we unconsciously look to others to “fix” our fear, pain, and discomfort and tolerate or inflict abusive behaviors in the process. We use and abuse. This other can be any important person in our life that we unconsciously hook up with: a child, a parent, a friend, a boss, a spouse, and a lover. Or, as in romance or sexual compulsion, it can be someone we don't even know personally. In sex addiction it can be a pornographic image. It can be as mild as a codependent relationship or as lethal as a fatal attraction.
Why love addiction is so common
At the base of love addiction is a violation of trust. We have all had them in some form or another. Because of the betrayal of trust we both want and yet fear closeness. Our fear is both biological and psychological and runs deep. Since we are meant to be in relationship we have no choice but to figure out a way to be involved with others. Love addiction is the answer. It is quite clever and often gets passed off as the real thing. Sometimes you have to look very closely to notice the difference. But we really do know in our hearts and in our soul’s when we have been fooled, are fooling our self or just plain fooling around.
We do not become love addicts living in a vacuum. We live in a culture of image and ownership. We are measured by how good we look, how much we have, and if we have someone by our side that supports a good image. We have, sadly, been groomed to look outside ourselves for happiness and love. Our obsession with love pervades every aspect of popular culture from romance novels to rock and pop song lyrics, and even great works of fiction, poetry, drama and art. Our culture idealizes, dramatizes, and models a dependency that says we cannot live without another person, sex or romance. We become dependent almost unconsciously.
Three Types Of Love Addiction: Love, Romance and Sex Addiction
Love Addiction
Love Addiction is nothing but a misguided dependency on others in an attempt to fulfill unmet developmental needs. We often choose people similar to those in the past who did not meet our needs hoping this time we will end up satisfied. But because they are similar or we view them as similar, we end up feeling dissatisfied once more. A key element in identifying dependent love is how we feel when the person disapproves of us, disagrees with us, moves away from us, or threatens us. An escalation of behaviors occurs when the love object threatens to leave us psychologically or physically. Dependent love is always self-serving. It survives on psychological myths: “I will take care of your fears and inadequacies so you will
take care of mine.” “If you fail me, I will do whatever it takes to keep you around.” “But since I do not know how to be intimate or fear intimacy,
I will allow only so much closeness or push you away.” On a psychological level love addiction makes perfect sense. Our attractions are psychological. If I believe men are never there when you need them most, I will find them. If I need a woman who won't support me, I will find her. Dependent love addicts fear abandonment or betrayal. The most important thing is to be in a relationship or on the edge of a relationship. They often hang onto abusive relationships for fear of being alone. They may or may not have romantic or sexual feeling for the object of their attention and drama substitutes for intimacy. Quiz yourself.
Love Addiction Screening Test By Brenda Schaeffer
Do you ever feel as though you take care of others even though it hurts you?
Are you afraid or hesitant to talk about problems in your relationship?
When you do discuss problems, do you seem to get nowhere?
Do you feel like you are growing or want to grow and the relationship is not?
Do you say yes when you want to say no?
Do you rationalize away the things you don't like in your relationship?
Do you ever feel like you both want and don't want to be in the relationship?
Have you ever thought of leaving the relationship and been too afraid?
Do you or the other person every get close and then pull back?
Do you experience holding out in your relationship?
Does how the other person in the relationship feel change your mood or self-esteem?
Does the person’s behavior change your self-esteem or mood?
Do you enable, persecute or feel like a victim?
Do you struggle for power or control?
Do you try to change the other person or the other person try to change you?
Do you wonder what a healthy relationship is?
Do you have any negative thoughts about men/women, relationships?
Do you disregard your values to please someone?
Do you fear risk, change or the unknown?
Do you experience repeated negative feelings?
Do you suffer from separation or disapproval anxiety?
Do you let abusive people remain in your life?
Do you fear being alone?
Areyour boundaries weak or rigid?
Do you expect or demand unconditional love?
Do you or those you are attracted to abuse or refuse commitment?
Do you fail to stop others from violating your boundaries?
Do you adapt to others to keep them around?
Do you look to others to fulfill you?
Do you become intimate before you have established trust?
Check yes or no to the above. Any yes answer indicates some degree of unhealthy dependency or addiction. But, please, let go of blame or guilt. Love addiction seems to be a fact of life. Most, if not all, relationships give evidence of some of these signs. And there is both healthy and unhealthy dependency.
Romance Addiction
Romance Addiction refers to those experiences when the object of love is also a romantic object. This object/person can be a romantic partner or live only in the love addict’s fantasies. The “fix” may be an elaborate fantasy life not unlike the story line of a romance novel, or the euphoria of a new romance. In either case, the rush of intoxicating feelings experienced during the attraction stage of a romance is the drug that can become a substitute for real intimacy. The pursuit of this high can become an addiction in itself. Often, it becomes a dramatic obsession that results in the stalking of the romantic love object by the obsessed person. The love addict seeks total immersion in the romantic relationship, real or imagined. Since the romance-driven high is dependent on the newness of the relationship or the presence of a person, romance addiction is often filled with victim/persecutor melodrama and sadomasochism. Bizarre acting-out behaviors are often a by-product of romance addiction. When the euphoria of new love wanes, the romance addict often moves on looking for a new romantic encounter with its high or obsessions. Quiz yourself.
Romance Addiction Screening Test By Brenda Schaeffer
Are you easily in love with being in love?
Do you like melodrama: being a rescued victim or the hero?
Are longing and melancholy familiar to you?
Do you gravitate to romance novels or movies?
Is being wanted extremely important to you?
Is the attraction phase of a relationship what matters most?
Do you live in a future of perfected love?
Do you look for love?
Are your fantasy outcomes often disappointing?
Is there a familiar pattern in your selection of partners?
Do you get high on the rush of intoxicating feelings?
Do you self medicate with relationships?
Do you compromise your values when in love?
Is heartbreak familiar?
Is your choice of music romantic, dramatic or euphoric?
Do you wander off mentally or physically when the romantic high wears off?
Do you have long distance affairs or affairs with the unavailable?
Do you have unrealistic expectations of the love object?
Do you feel anxiety when the romantic object is absent?
Do you suffer withdrawal symptoms when the romantic object is not there?
Do you suffer from depression related to your romantic affairs?
Do you obsess about love or the love object?
Do you chase the illusion?
Do you fantasize about those you are not in a relationship with?
Do you find romanticizing soothes you?
Are you lured by intermittent reinforcement (periodic attention)?
Have you ever stalked the love object or called to check up on the love object?
Does your romanticizing interfere with other areas of your life: family, children, work, spiritual, relational, financial?
Do your friends ever confront you on your romantic encounters?
Do you like living on the edge of perfected love?
Do you escape through rich fantasy life?
Do you crave ecstasy feelings?
Check yes or no to the above. These are signs of romance addiction. 12 or more affirmative answers indicate that romance is being used like a drug of choice and may be an addiction. Remember that romance can be a delightful part of our love relationships and bring out the best in us. It is when we have become over identified with this experience that it hurts a person.
Sex Addiction
Sexual addiction is a sickness involving any type of uncontrollable sexual activity that results in negative consequences. When obsessive-compulsive sexual behavior is left unattended, it causes distress and despair for the individual and his or her partner and family. Denial causes the sexual addict to distort reality, ignore the problem, blame others, and give numerous justifications for his or her out-of-control behavior. The addiction progresses until sex becomes the essential need, more important than family, work, or spiritual integrity.
Dependent love may or may not include a romantic or sexual component. When the object of love is, or has been, the romantic and sexual partner, the stakes run high. When a person’s object of dependent love is also the object of his or her romantic and sexual desires, he or she will experience intense behaviors when the object of love withdraws or threatens to withdraw. Quiz yourself.
Sexual Addiction Screening Test *
Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
Have you regularly subscribed to or regularly purchased sexually explicit materials?
Did either of your parents have trouble with sexual behavior (repress or act inappropriate)?
Do you often find yourself being preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
Do you (ever) feel that your sexual behavior is inappropriate?
Does your spouse or significant other ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?
Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?
Do you ever feel bad (shameful or guilty) about your sexual behavior (and then rationalize it)?
Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you or your family (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually)?
Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like or caused problems?
Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?
Has anyone (ever) been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
Have you made promises to yourself to quit some aspect of your sexual behavior?
Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual behavior and failed?
Do you hide (or have you ever hidden) some aspects of your sexual behavior from others?
Does your sexual behavior put you at odds with your personal or spiritual values/integrity?
Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior or affair?
Has sex been a way for you to escape your problems (or self medicate)?
When you have sex, (that you question), do you often feel depressed afterward?
Have you felt (or do you now feel) the need to discontinue a certain form of sexual activity?
Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
Have you been sexual with minors (or vulnerable adults)?
Do you often feel controlled by your sexual desire?
Do you frequent pornographic web sites or chat rooms?
Do you tend to sexualize others?
Do you rationalize your sexual behavior?
Check yes or no to the above. Affirmative answers to 12 or more questions strongly suggest that sex is being used like a drug of choice and may be an addiction.
* Based on the SAST by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., with some adaptations.
Most, if not all relationships have elements of unhealthy dependency as well as healthy interdependency. Therefore, we must learn what is love and what is addiction and build on the best aspects of our love life. Why get out of love addiction? The biggest reason is that it limits and stunts our growth as a human and spiritual being.
Seven steps to getting out of love addiction:
Believe that healthy love is possible.
Be willing to assess your love life honestly.
Accept that the only person you can change is you.
Connect the unhealthy aspects of your love life with your inner beliefs and past trauma.
Change your beliefs to those that encourage healthy love.
Let go of fear.
Experience yourself as unconditional love and live it.
Post Script: if you need help…do yourself a favor and get it!
In summary, obsessive, dependent, erotic love often is a misplaced attempt to achieve that fusion we so deeply desire. We want to end the feelings of isolation caused by our learned restraints against true intimacy. Aroused by the experience of love, one often is willing to suspend those restraints in order to merge with another. If the merger is dependent and immature, the result is love addiction. Life energy is directed on the pursuit of gratification rather than growth. If mature, the love will grow and expand. Without agape, universal love of others, it remains narcissistic.
Sex, love and romance are delightful aspects of our humanity. Some of the most powerful experiences relate to the meaning and beauty of love, sex and romance. They can be a sacred form of connecting or they can be an egoist’s attempt at self-fulfillment. It is the challenge of the day, is it not?
