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Love and Light from HEALING Creek
Thursday February 28, 2008
Codependency is a label that has been overused. I have heard people say, "They are being so codependent." and out of curiosity, I have asked them, "How do you mean that?" and more often than not, the answer wasn't describing co-dependent at all ... so if you are confused about what being co-dependent is ... these articles might help?
Codependency test -
What questions can I ask myself to see if I'm codependent?
A codependency test can be very helpful when considering whether or not you are codependent. Consider these questions and honestly answer them:
- Is it difficult for you to see situations or individuals realistically?
- Do you think you are somehow responsible for the thoughts or actions of others?
- Do you often feel angry or hurt?
- Do other people control you?
- Do you feel lonely often?
- Do you have an overwhelming urge for others to like you?
- Do you give up your interests in order to take part in activities that your friends enjoy?
- Do you feel more secure when you receive praise from others?
- Do you need to feel needed?
- Do you have a difficult time saying no when asked to do something?
What is codependency?
Codependency is a pattern of detrimental, behavioral interactions within a dysfunctional relationship. "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior" (Beattie, M., Codependent No More).
Sometimes, the codependent is in a familial or other relationship that involves alcohol, substance abuse, physical abuse, pornography, gambling, or other destructive behaviors. The codependent has learned to interact or behave in such ways that they believe will help but never do.
They often feel tremendous guilt, responsibility or need to "fix" by controlling the actions of others, especially the one who owns the original problem. The codependent develops intense feelings and will try anything to make the family or relationship survive.
It's very common to "cover up" the behavior of their loved one; this is called enabling. By enabling, they are allowing the behavior to continue and cause avoidance of natural consequences. Codependents don't want to "rock the boat." They therefore are willing to do most anything just to keep peace. This too is where other family members learn to function in this manner creating the all too common "dysfunctional family."
The codependent will often accept blame for the situation. For instance, in a dysfunctional relationship the codependent will either accept or proclaim that "It's entirely my fault; it's because of something I did wrong."
This fits the source of dysfunction or dependent just fine since the person looks for others to blame for their actions. The dependent is denying, floundering, and usually very capable of using whatever means of escape possible. They are not beyond threats, coercion, or manipulation to avoid taking responsibility.
The only cure is to change the dynamics of the problem - the behaviors and the consequences. One of the slogans used in 12 Step Programs is to "Let Go and Let God."
Recovering from codependency - How do I start?
Recovery from codependency begins with recognizing the need for it. We wonder sometimes how we arrived at the situation that has caused us so much pain. We may even feel that it's too late or we may believe we don't deserve a better life. But neither of those is true. We may even feel that God has abandoned us. This is not true.
The lines of thought in the above paragraph is a stumbling block to recovery. We do have worth.
( It's never too late. We can have a better life. It will take work, but it will be worth it. We didn't get here overnight, so we won't get there overnight either. We can have hope. Recovery is a journey. The most fantastic journeys all started by taking the first step. )
Somebody once said: "The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is in how you use them." After existing in the trap of codependency, there is no denying the troubles, but we can begin to refuse to let them block our new path.
Enablers addictions codependency - How are they related?
The relationship between enablers, addictions, and codependency is a perplexing and arduous one. The addict will develop behaviors that are controlling, deceiving, and selfish. Their motives are for one purpose, to acquire and use their "drug of choice." This can be drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, or any similar snare.
The adverse changes in an addict's behavior will progress as their addiction grows. Because their loved ones don't initially realize the depth of the problem, they begin to alter their own behaviors. They will accommodate so as to not "rock the boat." The "drug of choice" gives the user a false sense of security or escapism.
When confronted, the addict feels their boat being rocked and that they will lose their [false] sense of being in control. For example, the addict will often explode in anger when questioned about their actions. This is to sidetrack the issues so they don't have to be answerable and face their demons. Codependents in turn, create avoidance to lessen this merry-go-round.
The results are that the lives of the loved ones are now dictated by, or dependent on, the addict and his/her behavior. When a codependent begins to refrain from confrontation and perhaps even cover up or excuse an addict's behaviors to outsiders, the codependent becomes an enabler. An enabling codependent empowers the addict to continue his/her road of destruction. In a sense, the addict is being allowed to get away with it. This direction is a sad and destructive way of life for the addict and the codependent.
Whether you are a parent, spouse, or child of an addict, it is difficult to acknowledge that you cannot enforce change or control the one you love. The only changes you can affect in the relationship are the changes you make in yourself. By altering your own reactions and behaviors, you will change the dynamics of the situation.
Life Challenges - AllAboutLifeChallenges.org
Am I Co-Dependent?
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
- I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
- I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
- I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
- I have difficulty making decisions.
- I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
- I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
- I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
- I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
- I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
- I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
- I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
- I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
- I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
- I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
- I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
- I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
- I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
- I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
- I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Relationship Patterns - Codependents may find that they:
- Diminish their social circle as they become involved with another person.
- Link their dreams for the future to the other person.
- Link their quality of life to that of the other person.
- Try to control the other person’s appearance, dress, and behavior, feeling that these things are a reflection on them.
- Do not realize that being vulnerable is a means to greater intimacy.
- Do not know or believe that asking for help is both okay and normal.
- Use giving as a way of feeling safe in a relationship.
- Question or ignore their own values in order to connect with the other person.
- Remain steadfastly loyal, even when such loyalty is unjustified and personally harmful.
Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors
All Rights Reserved
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Wednesday February 27, 2008
February 18, 2008 Issue #48
Welcome to the newsletter where playing more and stressing less is taken seriously. It's written with the intention to support you in living a life with more passion and play and less worry and work.
"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space."
~Anonymous
My Playground
The article, the message, the thing to make you go hmmm ...
What's Your Edge?
I've pondered the above quote for a very long time trying to make sense of it. There's been something about it that's bugged me and I couldn't quite put my finger on it until the other day. Every time I'd read the quote, my response to it would be something like, "What do you mean I'm taking up too much space? I'm quite comfortable where I'm at, thank you.'" While I was on a run, I saw a man who suddenly brought about the perspective I needed to really get what "The Edge" means for me. I also got what had been bugging me. Ever stare at one of those pictures where you can't see the hidden image until your eyes become unfocused and then all of the sudden you see what was right there in front of you all along? My experience was kind of like that. "Suddenly-I-See" moments are powerfully good experiences to have.
The running trail I was on is primarily made up of dirt and grass surfaces, but there are also some tricky bits where it turns into gravel or pavement. It's mainly flat, but a few steep inclines every so often help to keep your heart rate up. I'm cruising merrily along to my favorite tunes when I get my first glance of the man. Actually, I see his dog first who is about thirty or so meters out in front and then I see him. The man has on running attire and the appropriate shoes, but he's not running. He's walking at a fairly fast pace with crutches. It's not until I’m just a few feet away from him that I realize he only has one leg. As I ran past him, the above quote came to mind and I couldn't help but turn my head around to watch him continue on the trail. It wasn't long before I stopped, turned off my music and considered what I just saw and what effect it was having on me.
Here's a man with one leg who's not letting the fact that he has one less limb prevent him from exercising and going for a walk with his dog. Here's me, a woman with two legs and plenty of time to exercise who doesn't run as much as she'd like and who tends to complain about the way her 39 year-old body looks these days. "You're taking up too much space," is the gruff voice I hear inside my head. What? "You're not living on the edge of what you know is possible," the voice says more gently and that's when I got it. "The Edge" isn't the precipice from which we can fall off of. It's that place inside of each of us that represents our greatest potential, our core being if you will and only we can define and know what that edge is for ourselves.
What if you don't know where your greatest potential lies? What if your core being is something you're just now beginning to understand? "The Edge" can be found in many areas of your life. Here are a few to take a look at and some questions to consider:
5 Places to Explore Your Edge
1. People - Are your relationships with others satisfying and enjoyable? Do you like spending time with family and friends? Are you able to be completely authentic with the people who are in your life?
2. Passion - What brings you the most pleasure in your life? Do you spend time doing things you really love? Do you know what you really want and what's the next step you want to take to have it?
3. Purpose - Do you like what you do for a living? Does the work you do give you a sense of pride and accomplishment? Do you feel your work makes best use of your talents, skills and gifts?
4. Physical well being - Are you in your ideal state of health and fitness? Do you take care of your body through exercise and good nutrition? How do you feel about the way you look and feel?
5. Participation - Are you a part of something greater than yourself? Do you contribute your time, energy or money to a cause or an organization you believe in? Is it important for you to be of service and feel like you're making a difference?
Perhaps the best question to ask ourselves is this one...
Are we living our lives as full as we possibly can or have we settled for something less than what we really want?
Do we fill our days with what brings us joy, growth and self-satisfaction or do we complain about the circumstances of our lives, find others to commiserate with and then make no effort to change what's no longer working? Is it possible that our complaints, grievances and self-criticisms might be taking up too much space in our heads that there's no room left to remember what it's like to live on the edge of all our greatness? If we take a good look within and are honest with ourselves, we're usually quite aware of when we're happy and when we're hungry for more.
I'm all for being comfortable and content and I also know (just like you know for yourself) when I'm selling myself short. For example, I want to write a book. I know I'm a good writer and I know it's going to take writing something every day in order to make it happen. So on the days I don't write, when I'm not living on that edge of my creative expression and passion, I know I'm taking up too much space elsewhere. Living on the edge isn't about constantly striving to get something. It's about following your bliss and engaging in what makes you thrive everyday.
While I watched that one-legged man walk away, something deep inside me was re-awakened. It wasn't about not exercising as much as I'd like to. It was about empowering myself to live on the edge of those things that bring challenge and meaning to my life. You know what's challenging and meaningful to you. The hidden image within the picture doesn't have to remain hidden.
When you live on the edge, you'll find you have as much space as you need.
Ways to Play Today
Why not...listen to music you normally wouldn't?
You are probably familiar with and accustomed to listening to a handful of music genres. You know what you like and tend to keep the radio tuned in to the same stations. Give your favorite c.d.s. a vacation and venture online or into a music store to discover something new. Better yet attend a live concert of music that's vastly different than what you bob your head to or relax and drink a glass of wine with. I'm not the world's biggest opera fan, but when I went to an event the other night that featured not one, but four seriously professional opera singers whose voices left me in tears, I was surprisingly moved in a way I hadn't expected. If you're a rock fanatic, see what effect classical music has on you. If you're a die-hard country fan, give an evening of jazz a whirl. You may not fall in love with what you hear, but hopefully you'll walk away with an appreciation for other genres of music. The least you can count on is your new listening experience will make you enjoy your most-liked and played tunes that much more.
Why not...get political?
My palms are already sweating from having typed those two words because I don't think I've ever equated politics with play. Don't get me wrong, politics are serious business, but what would it be like if we took a more lighthearted approach to the election process and became active participants rather than apathetic bystanders. What I mean by getting political is playing with the idea of how you can make your voice heard. Maybe it means making sure you're registered to vote. Maybe it means attending a home-town rally for your favorite candidate. Maybe it means donating to a cause you believe in. When I recently sent money to the candidate of my choice, I was very aware of how happy I was. I actually had fun when I clicked the send button. Being involved makes a difference. Being indifferent serves no one.
Something to Ponder
Questions designed to stimulate your thinking AND encourage you to take action towards what you want.
What’s taking up too much space in your life right now?
Do you know what your edge is and are you living it?
Care to share what these questions stir up in you?
Thanks for reading this issue of Lighten Up! If you enjoyed it, please pass it along to your friends, your family, your co-workers ...You get the idea. Sometimes it takes an unexpected shift in perspective that allows us to see what we've so cleverly hidden from ourselves. Be bold and be daring and find it. Live on the edge.
~Playful Spirit Productions' mission is to inspire people to show up, be real and play big in life.~
lisa@playful-spirit.com www.playful-spirit.com
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Tuesday February 26, 2008
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