The Symptoms of Co-dependency

To a large degree the symptoms of co-dependence are about extremes.  People who exhibit co-dependencies often did not seem to have a moderator, they go full speed ahead, or dead stop.

We will discuss five essential symptoms co-dependent behavior.  I first learned of this view of co-dependence from Pia Mellody in her book Facing Co-dependence.


These 5 symptoms are:

1.     Difficulty having appropriate levels of self-esteem.

People in dysfunctional relationships such as cut dependence have troubles with either very low self-esteem or very high self-esteem.  High self-esteem manifests itself through arrogance and a belief that I am superior to everyone else.  Low self-esteem comes from the belief that you have less worth than other people your feelings and beliefs don't count.  In either case self-esteem is taught within the family of origin.  A newborn baby has neither high self-esteem nor low self-esteem; these attitudes are developed in growing up, usually from modeling family behavior.

2.     Inability to set realistic, functioning, boundaries.

Boundaries are something that are taught during childhood.  If we came from dysfunctional families or families with poor boundaries it is likely that we will have not have learned to set the boundaries ourselves.  Boundaries serve a number of purposes, they can offer protection from other people, from ourselves, and they can define who we are in the world.  People with poor boundaries on one extreme confine themselves enmeshed with another person to the point where they're not taking care of their own needs.  These people tend to generate self-esteem from how the important they are in taking care of another.  People with the rigid and inflexible boundaries tend to live in isolation behind walls.  People with no boundaries, tend to be taken advantage of and victimized.

3.     Difficulty knowing who you are.

Co-dependents have difficulty seeing themselves as they really are, both physically and mentally.  They often have poor or skewed body image problems.  They often have altered interpretations of thoughts and their ability to share them.  They often have difficulty identifying, owning, and regulating emotions.  Another aspect of this is denying who you really are, living in a fantasy, or making up an alter ego.

4.     Having trouble defining needs and wants and meeting them.

It is common for someone to get their wants and needs confused.  A co-dependent person is sometimes able to acknowledge there needs and wants but they tried to meet them by themselves without any help.  They may also be aware of needs and wants and expect people to fill them without having to help themselves.  Another area of difficulty is to have needs a wants and simply not be aware of some, thus taking no action to fill them.

5.     Difficulty in expressing ourselves moderately and knowing what “normal” is.

A co-dependent person just doesn't seem to understand what moderation is.  They swing like a pendulum from extreme to extreme, ecstatic or miserable, completely indifferent or completely involved.  It seems they do not understand when enough is enough.  Often people have difficulty in understanding what normal’ is because they never had ‘normal’ modeled for them when there were growing up.  Growing up in a dysfunctional home where emotions were not expressed, one learns to freeze their own emotions.  If there were no boundaries or restraints, we learned no boundaries or restraints.

In general, exposure to dysfunctional family upbringing, whether alcohol and drugs were used or physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or neglect were present, can produce children who will eventually become co-dependent adults.

Co-dependency is Loss of Self.

Anything that contributes to your loss of self is co-dependency." It is as simple as that!

Loss of self occurs when I need your approval and lose the opportunity to think my thoughts and to feel my feelings.  I start to live the external life instead of the internal life.  I become outer-directed and not inner-directed and over time the space inside becomes less and less.  I feel less than and my self-esteem is diminished.  I look to you to define me, to direct me, to approve of me, to fix me and, lose more and more of me until I feel empty.  What develops is the false self and that is co-dependency.  When I focus on getting your approval, I lose approval of self, which is the power that self-esteem gives me.  In losing my power, I lose me.  I lose my voice.  I lose me.

Loss of self occurs when I am focused on fixing, helping, understanding, care taking you and not on caring about me.  For me to not lose self I need to care about you not for you.  My job is to care about me.  I need to feel with you not for you.  You are responsible for feeling your own feelings not me.  I need to be responsible to you as my parent, spouse, child, or friend, not be responsible for you.  I am responsible for me and to you and, you are responsible for you and to me.  If we can do this in relationship than both of us have the opportunity to mature and to develop a sense of self.

Loss of self occurs when I say no but I mean yes or when I say yes but I mean no.  Of course, this sounds confusing and the co-dependent often does feel confused, indecisive, and rattled.  One can understand why!  It is a lifetime of guessing what somebody else needs and wants and over time, the co-dependent forgets who he or she is.  The sense of self is not developed.  The individual does learn what he or she needs, wants, feels and the struggle of discovery is absent.  Gradually, initially however, bit by bit, little by little, year by year, the erosion occurs.  It is not even the erosion; instead, it is the not building of self, so a double loss is occurring.  You miss the journey.

Loss of self is learned helplessness.  Reinforced codependent behaviors do not serve me well, nor do they serve others well.  Co-dependent relationship dynamics create and foster dependency for both individuals.  It is a no-win dynamic.  It is not about individual or relationship building.  I cannot give up "me" and think there can be a "we".  An "I" is needed for a "we" to exist.

Loss of self creates a victim mentality.  A victim who cannot see how he or she has built his or her own prison.  Denial, anger, shame, guilt, passivity, fear, and sadness and oftentimes depression, are the bars of this prison.  The wounded child and critical parent are present and the adult ego state has yet to be built.
 
Loss of self affects the family members and friends of the co-dependent.  Oftentimes, the co-dependent moves from one crisis to the next and others suffer.  Denial is a core symptom for the loss of self.  Co-dependent thinking is if I do not see it, acknowledge it, believe it, then it does not exist.


Are You Co-dependent?  ( 10 Questions to Ask Yourself )

Co-dependency is real.
It exists within self and within relationships.
Loss of self occurs as we have just described and
it is destructive to self and to others.
 
A closing thought is when there is not enough of me for me,
surely there cannot be enough of me to share with you.
 



If after reading this article, you see yourself as co-dependent then reach out for help.

written by Linda M. Smith, PhD, LMFT
and featured on this web-site: Overcoming Addiction, Growing In Addiction Recovery