I kept going ... I was absolutely terrified.  I was afraid Aydan might follow me so I drove as fast as I could away from his house.  About 10 minutes down the road, my cell phone rang.  I nearly jumped out of my skin! 

I flipped the phone open and saw it was him.  I hesitated ... and realized if he was on the phone from his house, he couldn't follow me, so I took the call. I was crying so hard, I couldn't talk, and my ear was still ringing so I couldn't make sense out of anything he said. 

I took another turn too wide and skidded on the gravel shoulder.  My driving was all over the place!  I thought about my kids and the thought of them gave me a little bit of strength.  I needed to get it together.  I snapped the phone closed, tossed it on the passenger seat and put both hands on the wheel.  I needed to concentrate on the road.  I had driven this road a hundred times or more ... nothing new ... calm down ... I'm going to be okay ... calm down ... breath ... 

The phone rang again when I was on the Interstate.  I took the call.  It was Aydan again.  I listened to him and I cried.  I said, "I'm sorry I even came over there today.  I was worried about you.  I wanted to find some peace for both of us, but obviously, that isn't ever going to happen!" 

He said, "I want you.  I want us to get through this.  I know I have too much anger.  It scares me too.  I need to get my head together.  I love you, Taylor ..." 

I had been crying through most of the conversation, but him saying he loved me after what had just happened made no sense.  The idea of it pushed me back from the edge and I said, "Aydan, people don't hold guns on people they LOVE." 

The sentence hung there for a moment, suspended between the two of us.  It lasted only a few seconds, but I knew my heart had turned a corner.  I knew I would never go back and I knew my life depended on it.  

Aydan broke the silence, "I'm sorry, Taylor.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  You didn't deserve any of that.  I didn't mean any of those things.  They weren't true ..." 

It didn't matter what Aydan said.  His actions had already said it all.  I ended the conversation somewhere near my house.  I drove up to my house, parked there, and realized I was a "sitting duck" if Aydan decided to come over.  I started the car back up and drove around my neighborhood for hours, listening to music and replaying the night in my mind.  I wondered what would happen to me?  I wondered what I was supposed to do next?  At 3 or 4 in the morning, I was too tired to worry about much of anything anymore.  I drove by my house 3-4 times to make sure that no one was there and when I was pretty sure no one was, I drove up the driveway, parked the car, and let myself in the house.  I disarmed and armed the alarm system.  I was home.  I undressed in the dark.  I just wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.  I'd worry about what to do tomorrow ... 

The next morning, I had an e-mail from Aydan:

"Nothing is right.  I am not happy.  You are not happy.  We both are too busy defying each other to appreciate each other.  I want things done without having to ask, and you do too.  I no longer trust you.  I no longer believe you.  I am sorry.  I can't see you this way.  Things that needed to happen didn't, and the things that shouldn't have happened did.  I am sorry.  It's all my fault.  Love, Aydan"

Later that day, I called an old friend of mine with the sheriff's office.  I told Sgt. B what had happened and asked him what I should do?  What could I do to make myself safe?  He encouraged me to report Aydan. 

I said, "That will just make him more angry!"  

Sgt. B said, "Well, maybe so, but he might get more angry anyway and law enforcement can't protect you if they don't know what's going on.  Why didn't you go to the county last night?"  

"I was too scared.  This is embarrassing.  What will people think?  This kind of thing isn't supposed to happen to people like me!  I volunteer with victims.  I should be smarter than this.  I don't think I could stand to talk to some know-it-all rookie, fresh out of the academy, lecturing me about life!"

Sgt. B said, "Taylor, don't be so hard on yourself.  You would be surprised who this happens to.  It's more common than you think.  Just because you have worked around people who have been abused doesn't mean you are immune to being abused too.  It's wrong for anyone to threaten anybody with a gun.  That's why it's against the law!  WHO YOU ARE and what you do is even more reason to stand up for yourself.  You stand up for other victims.  Stand up for you.  We need you, Taylor, and we need to keep you safe ..."  Sgt. B was being so kind and I knew he was telling me the truth.  I did have to stick up for myself, no matter how embarrassing it was.  Sgt. B knew me well enough to know I agreed with him.  "Let me see who's at the desk and I'll call you back." 

I hung up the phone and held the phone in my lap, looking at it like it was supposed to tell me what to do.  If I reported this, everyone in town would know.  Embarrassing.  I sure wish there was another way.  The phone rang.  It was Sgt.  B.  "I talked to Jensen.  Jensen is a good guy.  I told him you were a good friend of mine and asked him to take care of you.  Take a girlfriend with you if it helps, but go in, okay?" 

"Okay ... Let me make some calls.  I'll go in."

I called a couple of friends.  I would stay with a friend that night.  I called another girlfriend to go with me to the station.  I packed some clothes ... some toiletries ... How hard could it be?  I couldn't do even the simplest task!  I must have packed and repacked 3 or 4 times ... I loaded the car, got my dog and headed out to a friend's, thinking that Aydan would be getting off work soon and I needed to be somewhere else before he got off work.  

I met my friend at the police station.  I had been there a lot of times with other victims, but that was the first time as a victim.  It was different from the victim's side ... I filed the initial report.  They took pictures. 

Jensen went out to Aydan's house himself.  Aydan was arrested and charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature.  Jensen called me after the arrest to tell me that Aydan had been arrested, "We took him to the jail a little bit ago.  You did the right thing.  When I asked him if he had any idea why you were so scared, Aydan said, 'Well, I probably scared her when I waved that loaded gun around.  I'm going to speak to the judge before I leave and make sure that he knows the whole story.  Don't worry.  We'll take care of you."  



I smiled.  Sgt. B had said Jensen was a good guy.  Jensen didn't have to call me and he didn't have to stay and talk to the judge, but Sgt. B had asked him to take care of me.  I felt relieved.  I went to sleep.  When they gave Aydan his one free phone call, he called my house! 

The message on the machine was:  "Hey, I'm at the jailhouse ... it's um ... (directions) ... and I'm going to need some help getting out ... so ... Maybe I can contribute something to charity later if you get me out?  I appreciate it.  It's three in the morning ... uh ... I'll be processed within the hour (long pause) This is my only phone call.  Thank you."

Did he really think the person who had him arrested would come and bail him out?  Does that make any sense?  It didn't to me, but apparently, lots of women report their boyfriends, husbands or partners and a few hours later, they are exactly the same ones to go pick them up ... not me!  I didn't want Aydan to go to jail, but I was too afraid to go anywhere near him.    

Aydan was ordered not to talk to me, AS IF a court order would stop him from doing what he wanted to do!  He had two of his friends call me. 

They told me Aydan was beside himself with grief ... that he wanted all of this to be over so he and I could get married! 

What a lie!  I asked them WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 

Give me a break.  A week before, Aydan had said he hated me and wished I was dead and now, he's telling his boss and his friends that he thought I was "the one" and he wanted us to "work everything out"?!!!  I've had some bizarre proposals and propositions before, but that one took the cake! 

I told them there wasn't anything I could do about a felony charge between the state and Aydan, and even if there was something I could do, I'm not sure I would.  I told them I wasn't the first woman Aydan had abused, but maybe, this would cause him to get some help and I might be the last?

I didn't pay too much attention to what any of his friends said.  I didn't give too many details to my friends.  It was hard to talk about. 

It was hard to wrap my brain around the idea of anyone pointing a gun at anyone else, especially someone they knew and claimed to love!  I had grown up with guns my whole life.  The first rule was to NEVER even point a gun at someone else.  I called my Dad and asked him what would happen if someone shot a watermelon (my head) from 8 feet with a shotgun?  Of course, I hadn't told Dad the whole story so he would have no way of knowing how much it scared me when he said, "What watermelon?" 

I kept asking myself over and over again ... WHY?

THE BIG WHY???

Why did he think he needed a gun?
Is he hurting too?  Is he sorry?  Does it matter?
Would it change anything?
  

THE ANSWER

What we are meant to know
will be revealed to us
without any effort on our part.
We will know what we need to know
when it's the right time,
when we are strong enough
and usually
when the answer can't hurt us anymore.

Now, I know that Aydan went to get the gun because nothing else he did was getting my attention.  He was losing control over me and that IS a crime punishable by death, in his mind.  He considered me HIS property.  How dare I abandon him!  Who did I think I was? 

In fact, shades of those feelings show in HIS description of that night.  He glosses over screaming at me, hitting me, holding the gun to my throat and threatening my life by saying that "he came into the room and handed me the gun and told me to shoot him or leave.  I chose to leave!"  What a JOKE!

Does Aydan know that what he did was wrong?   Yes.

Will he ever admit it to anyone else?   No.

Was he ever going to kill himself?   No.  He loves HIMSELF too much. 

Is he sorry?   NO.  He probably still thinks he sure showed me!

Did he "just lose control"?   NO.  He never let go of the gun once, and was in control enough to caution me that I could accidentally fire the gun and shoot a neighbor. 

Did he black out, as his friend suggested?   NO.  At no time did he lose consciousness. 

Were his actions calculated and planned?   MAYBE.  I didn't think so, but I read something much later that has caused me to wonder:

Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident ... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit.
 
Could that be true?   Maybe.  Aydan had threatened "to shoot me if I ever ... (pick something ... it changed daily) ..." way before he walked in the room with the gun.  I never took it seriously.  Only a week before, he had described the way he would like to kill Joey, down to the gun he'd use and where he'd park.  Who could be serious about a thing like that?  At least, that's what I told myself back then.  Since then, I have learned that Aydan has threatened other women with guns before ...

Maybe, he was more calculating than I thought?

I don't think I will ever know the whole truth about that night.  After all this time, it doesn't really matter.  Maybe, the answer is just ... Snakes strike.  Mean dogs bite.  Abusers abuse.

Aydan is what he is.  He never understood what the big deal was?  But ...

A game of cat and mouse
is much different
for the cat than it is for the mouse!