66% of all people KILLED by an intimate partner are SHOT by a GUN.
I said yesterday that there are some endings, so horrible, that they change us. They change the way we live the rest of our lives and they change the way we look at the world and everyone in it.
I used to think I was bullet proof, that nothing bad could ever happen to ME. I learned that in my darkest hour, God heard my prayer. When my life became an answered prayer, I committed the rest of my time to reaching more victims, to plant seeds of hope, to loan them courage until they find their own strength.
I didn't learn how to survive in a book or a classroom. I fought my way out of that place, and along the way, I met other survivors. Collectively, survivors have blazed a trail big enough for others to follow.
Survivors aren't afraid to stand up and say publicly that we were abused, or that abuse is real and it is still happening. Talking about it ... shedding light on why and how it happens ... only makes it easier for other victims to come forward. Increased public awareness has lead to more reports, more arrests, more convictions and stiffer penalties. Most abusers only change their behavior when they are faced with the possibility of punishment or public censure.
I have told my story to hundreds ... maybe, even thousands of women by now ... always in the hope that they will see or hear something ... and follow my lead by GETTING AWAY from the abuse, whatever that might mean for them.
I was mortified at being chased out of someone's life like a stray cat or dog. I was embarrassed to tell anyone that someone like me had ended up with someone like him! It was very humbling to admit I had made such a bad decision and such a poor choice.
Everyone else in my life saw the truth long before I did, but it doesn't really matter anymore. I am grateful that I saw the truth before the lies killed me!
REALITIES ABOUT ABUSERS (the TRUTH)
He is controlling.
He feels entitled.
He twists things into their opposites.
He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
He confuses love and abuse.
He is manipulative.
He strives to have a good public image.
He feels justified.
Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.
Abusers are possessive.
Look at that list!
Not exactly material for a personal ad or a profile on the Internet, and yet, abusers do describe those traits, disguised as something else, of course. Abusers speak their own kind of code. Here is how an abuser would describe those traits in a personal ad or an on-line profile:
controlling = he would say he is confident and in charge.
Your girlfriend would say, "What is he in charge of?"
entitled = he would say he is looking forward to living the life he deserves in a personal ad. Another phrase I have seen on profiles is, "looking for a good woman who will finally make me happy." Aydan told me once that he was surprised that his friend gave his motorcycle to his father instead of Aydan.
Your girlfriend would say, "What has stopped him from living
that life before now?
No other woman has ever made him happy and you are going
to try? Good luck with that!
Why would anyone give him a 10,000-dollar motorcycle?"
twists things to their opposites = he would call himself an original thinker, a maverick, or even a genius. Your girlfriend would say, "Why are you listening to this guy?"
disrespects partner and considers himself superior = he would see himself as having to teach, mentor or advise. He would refer to himself as a prodigy, a scholar, an expert, or again, a genius. He will be the hero in every story he tells you. He will describe his exes as idiots, liars, cheaters, bitches or even whores, and when you are his ex, you will be those things too. Your girlfriend would say, "How could he ALWAYS be right
and everyone else ALWAYS be wrong?"
confuses love and abuse = he wouldn't ever express confusion about anything openly but he will say "I love you" and anything else he thinks you want to hear way too soon. Your girlfriend would say, "He said what?"
manipulative = he won't name his best card. He'll just play it. If he thinks you will respond to him being an under dog, he will be an under dog. If he thinks you are looking for adventure, he'll be the bad boy. If he thinks you are looking for an intelligent man, he will talk about books he's read, and things he has studied. If he is talking to you on the Internet, he can Google anything and sound very smart. If he thinks you are into travel, he will talk about all the places he'd like to take you. Girlfriend, here's your reality. YOU will be the one that ends up paying for his cure, his motorcycle, his next adventure, books, studies and travel and you will think it is YOUR idea! Manipulation is his BEST card. Hopefully, your girlfriend will freeze your bank account
and cut up all your credit cards cause you are about to be
taken for a ride!
strives to have a good public image = he will brag about things he has done "for the good of all mankind out of the generosity of his heart". Your girlfriend will say, "He said what?"
feels justified = NO MATTER WHAT he has ever done, good or bad, he will have a good reason for why he did it, even when his reason is FANTASTICALLY RIDICULOUS. He really believes you are too dumb to know the difference anyway. Your girlfriend will say, "He said what?"
deny and minimize abuse = he will describe his previous relationships as liars (just in case you meet them and they tell you the truth about the "tiger in your tank"). He will make it sound like he was the one who was abused and mistreated. Aydan hit me and then said he didn't hit me ... that I turned into his fist! Aydan shoved me down to the floor once and then tried to pass it off as a self-defense class! He told me once that another girlfriend had run over him with her car. Later, she told me that he jumped unto the hood of her car, trying to stop her from leaving. I believe her because he did the same thing to me. If he isn't friends with even one of his exes, there's probably a very good reason those women won't speak to him. At this point, your girlfriend is planning your intervention
and wondering what you see in that Loser?
possessive = this is easy for me to spot now, but I never noticed it when he referred to everything as HIS. He called the drummer in the band: HIS drummer in HIS band. He referred to everything like it was HIS property, because that is how he sees it ... and whether you know it or not, you are HIS property too. This is where you need to introduce him to every guy friend
you have. Guys see right through other guys.
Listen to your friends!
As many times as I talk about this, I know there will be women who say:
"Sure, things get out of hand once in a while but ..."
... It's my fault. ... I talked back to him. ... I shouldn't have provoked him. ... I burned supper. ... I was late getting supper. ... I forgot to pick up his suit at the dry cleaners. ... I forgot to mail the check. ... I bothered him at work. ... He hates his job.
... He is starting a new business. ... He's under a lot of pressure at school, at work, at church,
with his family ... and as soon as that's over, he'll be fine.
... He hasn't been feeling well.
... He's trying to quit smoking. ... He's on a diet and it makes him crabby.
... His medication is messing with him.
... He hasn't been sleeping very well. ... He had a bad childhood. ... His last relationship was really bad and he is having a hard
time trusting again.
... I love him.
... He needs me. ... You don't understand him. ... You don't know what he's been through. ... You don't know him like I know him.
... He isn't like that ALL the time. ... What would I do without him?
I could say a great big loud ... "OH REALLY?" ... but it wouldn't change one thing about where that woman is right now. I have been there. I didn't want to give up. I wasn't a quitter ... until one day ... the abuse went TOO FAR.
Some women will say, "Sure, my guy has a temper but he would NEVER ..."
... hit me
... hit me in the face
... push or shove me
... force me to have sex with him against my will ... rape me or threaten to rape me ... get me pregnant so I won't leave
... beat me with a weapon or threaten to beat me with a weapon ... cut me or threaten to cut me
... burn me or threaten to burn me ... break one of my bones or threaten to break one of my bones
... shoot me or threaten to shoot me ... kill me or threaten to kill me
I could say a great big loud ... "Not Yet, But He Will!" ... because abuse doesn't just go away. It gets worse. And even though most victims know it will happen again, women go back to their abusers an average of six times because they ...
... don't think it's all that bad and they can handle it. ... think it might be their fault too. ... feel guilty about leaving him. ... don't think they can do any better. ... think it is what a wife or girlfriend is supposed to do, whether
they are "standing by their man" or they have strong religious
beliefs or a strong sense of family and trying to make things
work. ... want their children to have a father. (They have probably not
seen how the abuse effects their children yet.)
... have no where else to go or they don't think they do.
... are financially dependant on their husband or boyfriend.
... believe their situation is hopeless. The longer they stay
in the abuse, the harder it is to leave. ... may seem weak, but we must always remember that they
were strong enough to survive, to prevent themselves from
being killed or seriously injured many, many times.
We can only hope that they (or you) continue to be strong enough to survive until they (or you) are strong enough to say, "NO MORE".
Four years ago, on this very week, the worst relationship of my whole life ended ... This is what happened on the last day ...
When Aydan's "other tricks" to control me quit working, he started to talk about suicide. I had already wondered if a relationship with Aydan was worth all the trouble? It wasn't fun being around someone who was always in a bad mood and always complaining about something ... boring work, stupid friends, demanding family, loud neighbors, dirty house, crummy truck, chronic aches and pains and me ... No wonder he was miserable and no wonder he wanted to commit suicide! He hated everything about his life.
Nothing Aydan had been saying was making any sense. One minute he'd be telling me he loved me and he wanted us to work things out and the next, he was saying he hated me and he wished I was dead ... It got to where I would call him to "check his mood" before I'd even go over there. Most of the time, he was in a bad mood so I didn't even bother going over there, and after a while, there didn't seem much reason to talk to him on the phone either.
When his phone messages and emails starting including talk of suicide, I rolled my eyes at first, but each one got more and more serious. I don't remember the exact words that compelled me to get involved, but I did ...
IF I HAD IT TO DO OVER AGAIN, I WOULD HAVE JUST CALLED 911 AND REPORTED THAT AYDAN HAD THREATENED SUICIDE AND LET THE PROFESSIONALS DEAL WITH IT.
I drove over to his house on a Sunday afternoon. When I got there, Aydan came to the door looking awful. His face was swollen like he had been in a fight, he had dark circles, and hadn't bathed or shaved in days. He said he had passed out.
We talked on the porch for a while until it got buggy. He asked me inside. His house stunk. There were dirty dishes everywhere. The garbage was full of beer cans and there was an empty liquor bottle on the table. He offered me a beer, drank his and then drank "mine".
We talked in circles, as usual. Every time I tried to get back to talking about him, he'd change the subject. He seemed more and more uncomfortable. He stared at the TV or off in space. He glanced at the computer a few times, saying he had a "meeting" with someone on the internet ... (He claimed to be talking commodities) ...
The conversation wasn't going anywhere and I could see he wasn't going to kill himself ... at least, that day ... so I got up and said, "I needed to be going".
He stopped me from leaving by asking, "What do you want from me?"
I said, "I just want some peace. I can accept you not loving me anymore, but I wish you didn't hate me and the rest of your life so much."
That made him mad. Peace? How dare I ask for peace when I was abandoning him! He wanted to hurt me so he said, "I just hate that you ruined my chances with the most beautiful woman in the world." (he was talking about an ex-stripper that he imagined to be interested in him ... he always threw her up in my face when he hoped to make me jealous).
I said, "Oh, for goodness sake. I've had enough of this nonsense. We are both better than this. You never cared about that woman and she never cared about you. You can try pushing whatever buttons you want to. They aren't going to work anymore. Take it back, Aydan." He smirked and said something even more hateful and I got up and faced him like I would a child and said, "Take that back!" That infuriated him. He jumped up and tried to pick me up and throw me out of his house. I had gotten pretty good at "spinning out of his grip" and I said, "I don't have my shoes or my keys! I'm not leaving until you take that back!"
Now, here's where I should have gotten my keys and shoes and left, but I still thought, at that moment, that we could talk it through, and at least, say good-bye in a nice way. I was wrong.
Aydan went into the other room. I thought he left to chill out, get a beer, put on a shirt, or go to the bathroom ... but never did I imagine that he went in the other room to load a shotgun!!! My heart sank when I heard the sound of a shotgun being pumped in the kitchen. He came around the corner with the gun and my first thought was, "Well, I believe I have just lost this argument!"
I was afraid to look up at him, afraid to confront him ... I did say, "Aw Aydan, put the gun away ..." He was hollering and waving it around. He showed me the gun, the chamber, the red shell, and through his spitting and red-faced screaming, he said first, that he was going to kill himself, second, that he was going to kill me and then himself, and finally that he was going to make me take him to Joey's house (my ex-husband and the man he imagined to be the source of our relationship problems) and kill him and then kill me. I looked down and watched his movements from the corner of my eye, but when he said he wanted me to take him to Joey, I looked up.
The fact that I hadn't looked up when he threatened himself and me, but I looked up when he threatened Joey made him go NUTS! He flew across the room and turned the barrel of the gun sideways against my throat. Aydan was using the gun to push me against the back of the couch and the wall. The gun was choking me so I put my hands up to push the barrel away. Aydan almost smiled and said as calmly as that guy in "Natural Born Killers", "Careful, Darlin', your hand is close to the trigger and I wouldn't want you to shoot up my house or kill a neighbor!" He seemed so calm and so evil, I started to cry. I was sure, at that moment, that he was going to kill me.
"DID I JUST BRING A GUN IN THIS ROOM?"
I whispered, "yes".
"ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO JOEY?"
I whispered, "no".
(He held the gun to my throat with his right hand and punched me on the side of my head with his left fist.)
"DID I JUST HIT YOU?"
I whispered, "yes".
"DO YOU WANT MORE OF THIS?"
I whispered, "no".
"IS THIS WHAT LOVE IS?"
I said louder and more firmly, "No Sir, It is NOT!"
I started to cry again. I figured if I was going to die anyway, I may as well be talking to the One I'd be seeing next! I started to pray out loud:
"Lord, I just ask you to surround us with a legion of angels and protect us both. I ask you to cover this house and everything in it with the blood of Jesus. Please send your Holy Spirit to calm the angry storm ..."
I thought about my kids, my grandkids, my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters and ... and I thought about Joey. If I was going to die anyway, NO WAY was I going to help Aydan kill anyone else!
Everything started to move in .. V-E-R-Y .. S-L-O-W .. M-O-T-I-O-N .. Aydan backed up a little bit, but he kept hollering. I don't know what he said. I was too scared. I was thinking about my kids and wondering what would happen to them. What would they tell my grandchildren?
Aydan was still waving the gun around and when the point of it seemed to be pointing at me I put my arm up and pushed it to the left or the right. My arms were like lead.
Every time I peeked at Aydan, his face was red (almost purple) with anger ... his eyes were bugged out and he was spitting all over the place when he hollered.
One of the times I put my arm up to push the gun to the side, he grabbed my arm and pulled me up hard. He screamed, "GET OUT." I couldn't move! I was afraid that if I turned my back on him, he would shoot me, because all the other times, he only hit me or pushed me when I turned my back on him.
I kept looking down. I saw my shoes ... My keys were on the table.
From the moment he walked into the room with a gun, screaming and spitting all over the place, I got it. There is really no doubt when you are being threatened like that! Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself and I needed to understand ... the lie that I could make things better ... the lie that it was MY JOB to stop him from killing himself ... a thousand things passed through my mind until the one defining thought:
WAKE UP, TAYLOR, WAKE UP! DO YOU DESERVE TO DIE ... BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE, IF YOU DON'T GET AWAY RIGHT NOW! WAKE UP!!!
I woke up! It was like I was seeing Aydan for the first time. Of course, I saw his anger. It was all over the place!
Maybe, I could run?
Maybe it was my prayer?
Maybe, Aydan didn't really think he'd get away with killing me?
Maybe, for no other reason than even the worst storms end, he suddenly got quiet, backed off and emptied the shell or shells to the floor.
I thought the gun held five shells but I didn't know how many shells were in the gun or how many fell. My ears were ringing. I think I counted to five ... not five shells ... just to five ... and when I got to five, I slid my feet into my shoes, grabbed my keys and I ran!
I ran for my life!
There are some endings, so horrible, that they change us. They change the way we live the rest of our lives and They change the way we look at the world And everyone in it.
For me, that day wasn't an ending at all It was the BEGINNING ...
Some of you, who have known me for a while, know that I was once a victim of domestic violence. I have written about my healing in hopes that it would plant the seeds of healing elsewhere too.
Lately, I have noticed that people are getting meaner. I have heard people talk about squabbles on Blogstream, but it happens in real life too. I have stood behind people in lines and listened to them aggressively berate a clerk for something they were unhappy about. I have been in a restaurant when someone at a table next to me hollered at a waitress. I have fielded a few customer service calls where the person on the other line didn't want a solution as much as they wanted to have someone to cuss out. I have overheard the way people talk to each other and I have wondered how it ever got this bad and what would it take to change it?
I would be hard pressed to find one single person who would ever say that child abuse or murder were okay, but I can find 100 who think that their abusive behavior on the telephone, on-line or in the workplace is completely justified! There is no difference! If your behavior creates one more victim ... you are not a part of the solution. You are a part of the problem!
Abuse Happens.
Not to you, you say? You are going to get them before they get you, you say? Well, you're not alone. It appears a lot of people are out to get somebody before somebody gets them!
But it has gotten some of us. There are a lot of goofy ideas floating around about victims of abuse ...
MYTHS ABOUT VICTIMS:
She must have asked for it.
She must have provoked him.
She deserved it.
She must like it or she would leave.
She is just exaggerating to get attention.
She must be lying. Their partner is such a nice guy.
She said she just fell.
People like that are always getting into fights.
That sort of thing would never happen in my neighborhood.
That sort of thing would never happen to anyone in my family.
That sort of thing would never happen to me.
I'm too smart to fall into that trap.
I could say a great big loud ... "OH REALLY?" ... because the truth is that anyone can be abused. No one wants to believe that anyone would purposely hurt them, so victims make excuses, downplay the mean comments ... or even pretend nothing is wrong ... But if the abuse continues, their self-esteem suffers, they lose their confidence, they might overcompensate ... going way out of their way to pacify the abuser, they might try to fight back, or they might even try to get away ...
If you think you can spot a victim from a mile away, you might be surprised! Victims are tall, short, skinny, fat, old, young, rich, poor, educated, illiterate, blue collar, white collar ... and no matter where they come from and what their story is, they DO NOT DESERVE what's happening to them.
If you are the victim, you might need time to think. You are where you are. Take a deep breath. Consider your feelings. Think things through. It might be helpful to know that there are myths about abusers too ...
WHY DOES HE DO THAT? INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN by Lundy Bancroft
The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can't control and intimidate you, he can't recruit people around him to take his side, he can't keep escaping the consequences of his actions, unless he can throw everyone off track. When the world catches on to the abuser, his power begins to melt away.
In one important way, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won't notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he THINKS. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won't even notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.
Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame.
The mythology about abusive men that runs through modern culture has been created largely by the abusers themselves. Abusive men concoct explanations for their actions which they give to their partners, therapists, clergymen, relatives, and social researchers. But it is a serious error to allow abusers to analyze and account for their own problems. Would we ask an active alcoholic to tell us why he or she drinks, and then accept the explanation unquestioningly? When we hear excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that - excuses. So why should we let angry and controlling men be the authority on partner abuse? Our first task, therefore, is to remove the abusive man's smoke and mirrors, and then set about watching carefully to see what he is really doing.
MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS(his excuses)
His previous partner hurt him.
He abuses those he loves most.
He holds in his feelings too much.
He has an aggressive personality.
He loses control.
He is too angry.
He is mentally ill.
He hates women.
He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
He has low self-esteem.
His boss mistreats him.
He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
His abusiveness is as bad for him as his partner.
He is a victim of racism.
He abuses alcohol or drugs.
The abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like the oil from a drum. When he is in this mode, NOTHING his partner says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. She will find herself feeling like she just can't seem to do anything right.
When he is mad at you, does he react by throwing things, punching doors, or kicking the cat? Does he use violent gestures such as gnashing teeth, ripping at his clothes, or swinging his arms around in the air to show his rage? Have you been frightened when he does those things?
Is he willing to take responsibility for those behaviors and agree to stop them, or does he justify them angrily?
Can he hear you when you say that those bad behaviors frighten you, or does he throw the subject back on you, saying that you cause his behaviors, so it's your own problem if you're scared?
Does he attempt to use his scary behaviors as bargaining chips, such as saying that he won't punch walls if you are willing to stop going out with your friends?
Does he deny that he even engaged in the scary behaviors, such as claiming that a broken door was caused by somebody else or that you are making up or exaggerating what happened?
Does he ever make veiled threats, such as "You don't want to see me mad," or "you don't know who you are messing with"?
Is he severely verbally abusive? Research studies indicate that the BEST behavioral predictor of which men will become violent to their partners is THEIR LEVEL OF VERBAL ABUSE.
REALITIES ABOUT ABUSERS (the TRUTH)
He is controlling.
He feels entitled.
He twists things into their opposites.
He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
He confuses love and abuse.
He is manipulative.
He strives to have a good public image.
He feels justified.
Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.
Abusers are possessive.
The symptoms of abuse are there, and the victim usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn't get his way. His grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break the patterns of ups and downs.
Victims don't really need an "expert" on abuse to explain their life to them; what they do need above all is some support and encouragement to hold on to their own truth. The abuser wants to deny their victim that experience. He wants to pluck her view of reality out of her head and replace it with his reality. When someone has invaded the victim's identity in this way enough times, the victim naturally starts to lose her balance. But they can find their way back to center.
Mr. Lundy's book has so much good information. Even now, I find myself reading different parts of it. These aren't just lists ... they are warning signs ... things to look for.
If you are living this life, things are pretty bad ... and as scary as it might be to think about, things could even get worse.
Please take care of you.
By the way ... I write with the abuser being male and the victim being female because my abuser was a man and I am a woman but I recognize that women abuse men, men abuse other men and women abuse other women and both sexes have abused children ... Abuse of any kind is wrong. I do not know your individual story or the challenges you face, but I do know that all victims carry deep hurts ... and I still believe with all my heart that victims can survive and heal and grow past that place, one day at a time ... I am not a professional counselor and nothing here can take the place of a skilled therapist. No one has ever been EXACTLY where you are but plenty of us have been close enough to care and understand. You are not alone. If you have never thought much about abuse because it has never happened to you, I am asking you to consider the possibility that there are people who are being abused and a kind word from you might make all the difference. Please don't add to their pain. Be kind. A little compassion goes a long way.
A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door.
It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.
Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.
"Jack, did you hear me?"
"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.
"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.
"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.
"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.
"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important ... Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.
As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away. The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture ... Jack stopped suddenly.
"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.
"The box is gone," he said
"What box?" Mom asked.
"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,' Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. "Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."
It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required" on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read. Early the next day, Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read.
Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.
Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser."
"The thing he valued most was ... my time" Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days.
"Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.
"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.
"Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!"
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
You mean the world to someone.
If not for you, someone may not be living.
You are special and unique.
When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy .
If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
Bringing PEACE To Our Minds ... Even IF It Is HOT !!!
The Buddhist meditation masters speak of how flexible and workable the mind is. If we train it, anything is possible.
In fact, we are already perfectly trained to get jealous, trained to grasp, trained to be anxious and sad and desperate and greedy, trained to react angrily to whatever provokes us. We are trained to such an extent that these negative emotions rise spontaneously,
without our even trying to generate them.
So everything is a question of training and the power of habit. Devote the mind to confusion and we know only too well, if we're honest, that it will become a dark master of confusion, adept in its addictions, subtle and perversely supple in its slaveries.
Devote it in meditation to the task of freeing itself from illusion, and we will find that with time, patience, discipline, and with the right training,
the mind will begin to unknot itself and know its essential bliss and clarity.
What is the nature of mind like?
Imagine a sky, empty, spacious, and pure from the beginning;
its essence is like this.
Imagine a sun, luminous, clear, unobstructed,
and spontaneously present; its nature is like this.
Imagine that sun shining out impartially on us and all things,
penetrating all directions;
its energy, which is the manifestation of compassion,
is like this:
Nothing can obstruct it, and it pervades everywhere. "Glimpses" by Sogyal Rinpoche
The Four Agreements also talks about replacing those old agreements and beliefs with four simpler ones:
1. Keep your speech impeccable, 2. Don't take anything personally,
3. Don't make assumptions and ...
4. Always do your best.
The simple exercise of consciously replacing bad thoughts with more workable ones is retraining your mind.
How many times have I gotten myself totally lost in a worry, dwelling on the thought until I thought I would lose my mind entirely, tying myself in knots, fretting about what would happen next?
Most of the things I worried about never happened!
Life moves on and for the most part, things have a way of working themselves out.
Of course, there are some things we can't ignore ... If our children are sick, it is our responsibility to stop what we are doing and care for them. It is in the way we care for them that we teach them they are valuable and deserving of care. We are teaching them to nurture others by our example ... and one day, they will grow up to nurture their children and those children will grow up to nurture their children ... One day our great, great grandchild will reach for a cup of mint tea to sooth their child's tummy ache and they won't even realize that we were the ones who served the first cup of tummy mint tea ...
One simple act of loving care will become a tradition, a source of comfort and a smile to generations of loved ones ... some of whom we will never know ...
There are other things we can't ignore ... things that demand our attention ... If we are in a car accident, the car will have to be repaired or replaced ... If a storm causes a tree to fall in our front yard, of course, we will turn our thoughts to cleaning up the fallen tree. If our pantry is in need of restocking, we go to the grocery store. If our car is low on gas, we stop and refuel. We have to pay for food and fuel so we get up everyday to go to work and all of these things are a part of the journey ... and ripe with opportunities.
Opportunities?
Let me show you what I mean ... Let's walk through a day ...
What happens when you get in a car accident? What is your first thought?
Was it your fault? Are you mad at yourself?
Do you automatically blame the other guy? Are you angry?
Are you thinking about your next appointment (which you will be late for)?
Is your first thought to check on the safety of all the people in both cars or are you counting the costs in time and money? What about the tree falling?
Are you thankful it didn't hit your house or mad that it broke the sidewalk or ruined the shrubbery? Do you think about who to call and what to do?
Do you make a list of things you will need to do to clean it up?
Are you mad?
Are you thankful that it was only one tree? What about restocking the pantry? Easy for some of us but daunting if you just lost your spouse and it was the thing they always did ... Do you make a list of the things you have always bought or do you make a list of a few new recipes you want to try?
Do you have a favorite grocery store?
Do you like the comfort of knowing where everything is? What happens when you run into a friend?
What happens if you run into someone you don't like so much?
What do you feel?
Are they any different really?
Your heart speeds up. You wonder what to say. There is a moment of discomfort right before you settle into conversation or the lack of conversation ... a smile or a nod ... Stopping at the gas station is the same ... Seeing people you know and people you don't know ... Each person, a trigger for a memory ... a woman could be wearing the same color jacket that your Mom used to wear ... another person might have the same color hair as someone you liked in school ... you might see a car like one you used to have ... Do you grumble at the price of gas? Does someone cut you off in traffic? Does it make you mad? What if the one who made the mistake is you?
Work. The way we pay the bills.
Do you like what you're doing?
Are you doing the thing you dreamed about? Would you do what you're doing now, even if they didn't pay you? What about the people you work with? There are always people we like and others we don't like so much. Some customers are a joy to work with.
Other are a real pain! We are supposed to treat them all the same, but do we really? You know the nice ones get better service.
Which one are you when you are on the other side of the counter?
Who can even count the fleeting thoughts and memories that pass through our minds as we wander through the day?
How many times has one bad thought or one bad memory completely derailed a day ... Shoot! Even a bad dream could follow me through the day like a cloud full of lightning, just waiting to strike! Learning to quiet those thoughts wasn't a choice ... It was a matter of survival! When the things I worried about got bigger than my life, it was time to take another look at the things I worried about!
The Toltecs (authors of the FOUR AGREEMENTS) called those things that would consume us poison and suggest that eliminating the poison, one negative agreement at a time sets our minds truly free. We can choose to keep our speech impeccable, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions and always do our best.
The Buddhists talk about simplicity, mindfulness and compassion. We can choose to simplify our lives, consider something from both sides - the side we are now and the side we may be later, consciously accept that where we are is where we are and learn from THIS PLACE so that we can go to the next place, doing all things with COMPASSION for ourselves and for others because we are all connected in ways we can not even imagine.
As a small child, I remember hearing: "Whatsoever things are true,
whatsoever things are honest,
whatsoever things are just,
whatsoever things are pure,
whatsoever things are lovely,
whatsoever things are of good report;
if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise,
Is it my imagination or do they all seem to have been saying the same thing? How many times did I have to hear it before I understood?
Apparently ... the answer is as many times as it took for me to understand!
I can choose my thoughts. I can choose my actions and reactions. When bad things happen (and they will), I can deal with them (to the best of my ability) before they deal with me! Once again ... I can say ...
God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change ... the COURAGE to change the things I can ... and the WISDOM to know the difference.
(Serenity Prayer)
or ...
Lord, make me an instrument of your PEACE.
Where there is hatred ... let me sow LOVE. Where there is injury ... PARDON.
Where there is doubt ... FAITH.
Where there is despair ... HOPE.
Where there is darkness ... LIGHT.
Where there is sadness ... JOY.
(Prayer of St. Francis)
It is my hope that your path includes Simplicity, Mindfulness, Compassion, Acceptance, Courage, Wisdom, Peace, Love, Pardon, Faith, Hope, Light and Joy and much, much more ...
Thank you for sharing this part of the path with me!
Many Blogstream members are there
already! Quotes from members: "It's like blog lite!" -- "I like the instant
gratification!" -- "Stop spectating, get in the game!"
If you have not joined in, you are really missing out!
