I've had the same answering machine message since 2000!
It's time for a change, but if I am going to change, I want something FUN!
I went looking for ideas and look what I found!
Help me pick! Which one do you like?
Maybe, you have one you like better?
Funny Answering Machine Messages ...
Roses are red, some willows weep,
please leave your message, after the beep.
"Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished."
I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll reply.
"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it.
Guess what you have to do now? you guessed it.
Guess what's next? You guessed it..."
We might be in, we might be out,
but leave a message and you might find out!
"Hello? ... Hello? ... Hellooo?
I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you ...
That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message. BEEP."
(in the style of the twilight zone)
You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time,
where color collides with sound, and shadows explode.
You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device ...
This is "The Twilight Phone"
Talk to the phone, the face ain't home,
please leave a message, after the tone.
BEEP!
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
Hey, it's ________
Sorry you can't get through
Leave your name and your number
And I'll get back to you
Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I should die before I wake,
remember to erase the tape.
(if Sci-fi is your deal ...)
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line
to a channeler in the 23rd Century.
Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future ...
... or ...
"Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can."
... or ...
Alpha Centauri Space Station.
Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now.
He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril,
or perhaps taking a nappie.
Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
... or ...
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
... or ...
Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? --
Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven,
do you want it on screen?
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits.
Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message,
and the time that you called.
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls.
So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with
I'll pick up the phone.
Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO!
[Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.]
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.
Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats.
We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks,
and they still haven't found me!
Tee Hee Tee Hee Tee Hee! Leave a message?
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one.
That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one.
C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this --
beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep,
c'mon... There you go!
Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications.
The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff ____ (your name) ____ will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know who you are and what you want,
so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY!
They say the King died 10 years ago,
but we know he's still out there somewhere.
So ... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week
in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now.
Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
Hang on a second while I get a pencil.
[Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.]
OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is Ron's toaster.
Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs,
so please leave your message when the toast is done ...
(Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air.
Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now.
Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping.
Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something that makes a beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until they start talking, then make another beep, and do that over and over.)
Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.
We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down,
and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth
we'll get back to you.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP)
Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?
Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine.
Medicare didn’t send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store.
If this is the police we are just napping.
hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007 agents
if you get this machine we are probably saving the world
this tape will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...1... (BEEP)
Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?
Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?
Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire.
Show me the message! Show me the message!
Hi, you know the drill.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner.
Their appliances have switched jobs again,
and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked.
So leave a message after you hear the beep,
and you can be sure it's in the bag.
How do you leave a message on this thing?
I can't understand the instructions.
Hello. Testing 1 2 3.
I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
I'm only here in spirit at the moment,
but if you'll leave your name and number,
I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?")
Isn't that *my* question? (Pause.)
Please leave a message...
My time is billed at $125 per hour.
Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration.
I'll get back to you pending credit approval.
... or ...
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line,
where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG ... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.
Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
This is a test.
This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.
This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...
This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.)
You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
(Classical music:) This is our answering machine.
(Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs.
(Silence...) Any message?
(French monologue in the background:)
Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language.
But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime.
Please leave a message in English at the tone, and
remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.
(In British voice) Hello! I'll be eating lunch on my yacht, but I might be able to clear my schedule if you’d like to do something.... leave me a pleasant message after the beep.
(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi...
(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)
(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)
(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings!
The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!
Will he make it in time?
Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded.
Thou must leave a message.
(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:)
Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up.
(Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.)
I should know. I tied him up.
But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free.
And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor...
(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:)
Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh...
(Pause.)
Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm...
(Pause.)
I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.
(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":)
We're not here now, We're not here now,
Don't hang up, Don't hang up,
Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number,
We'll call back, We'll call back.
(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?
[in a computer generated voice]
Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
[in a computer generated voice]
Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
So ... Why did you call again?
Huh?
What was I doing?
