Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee? I have been thinking about some things this morning and I'd like to share them with you. I am feeling grateful for the road that lead me to this healing place. I wasn't always grateful. When there was nothing but hurt, I would have never believed this day was even possible, but it is possible. If you are hurting about something TODAY, you can find healing for your hurt, and little by little, as your strength returns, you will be able to one day look back and count it all joy because it will have been worth it! Really! Let me show you what I mean ...
Physicists tell us that once an atom has touched another atom, there is a relationship between the two atoms that endures forever, no matter how far they are from each other ... Once made, a relationship always exists. It seems that in human relationships, that principle exists as well. Once a person has been a part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact. Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.
If the relationship was toxic, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you. You do not need to be in contact with the person to change the nature of the relationship. You can change how you perceive it. You can change how it impacts you. This is true of all human systems - intact or not.
Your whole emotional and intellectual stance toward that person must be different. By this point you already have what you need to know.
That's right! Your answers are already there inside you. Deep down, we do KNOW what we need to do. No matter what you are hurting from, there will come a time to begin recovery.
CAUTION: THERE ARE GREAT RISKS THAT COME WITH RECOVERY!
The problem of recovery is whether you are willing to risk the changes necessary. We have our own list of things we need to do. It wouldn't hurt for the people around us to know and understand what our goals are. We all need to know that change doesn't happen overnight and some things take practice. We will have good days and bad days. Some things will come easier than others ... These are the things we must do to win our lives back:
TO COMMIT TO REALITY AT ALL COSTS ~
Recovery requires staying in reality. You can't wish anything away. You can't pretend to be okay. You can't ignore the truth. It takes courage to face the facts sometimes. It takes strength to bring something out in the open so that it can be dealt with. No more masks. No more excuses. For your sake, you have to get real.
THE MISPERCEPTION OF OTHERS ~
Once you have clarity about reality you must be willing to risk that others will misperceive you. Survivors want others to understand them. They do not want anyone upset with them. Their childhood training taught them that "if you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all." ... The fact is that you can give the perfect explanation and others will not understand it, maybe not even believe it. Even those who truly do cherish the survivor will misperceive ...
If survivors are making significant changes, the people around them will not like it because it might mean they have to change too.
They will misinterpret the survivor's actions. They may even question the survivor's motivation and conduct. Count on it. Remember, others ... will have to go through denial, fear and anger before they get to the pain. That includes family members, friends and other people on whom survivors might count. If you are committed to reality, you must accept that people will misperceive you.
TO HAVE BOUNDARIES ~
If you are willing to have others misperceive you, then you must run the risk of drawing boundaries. Implementing the boundaries you have specified in your recovery plan will upset people. When you start insisting on maintaining limits and meeting your own needs, self-respect emerges.
You are a person who demands reckoning.
You are a person of value ...
Second, having boundaries clarifies values. They essentially are the answer to the question, "For what am I willing to fight?" Those values help define who you are. Finally, by successfully implementing boundaries, a new trust for yourself emerges. Survivors can and will take care of themselves, which creates a new sense of safety.
TO SAY GOOD-BYE ~
If someone does not respect your boundaries, you will have to leave ... The best thing for you - and in fact, the other person as well - is to face the reality that the relationship cannot survive. Saying good-bye is wrenching for survivors, who already grieve many losses ... So when it is time to say good-bye, the grief will be overwhelming. The only choice you have to survive is to embrace the pain and experience the loss. You may not have to say good-bye, but you must be willing to do so. In fact, life as you know it may require a complete transformation for you to survive these relationships. Work, values, homes, friends and even family relationships may have to substantively change for a successful recovery.
What lengths are you willing to go to in order to be free?
When you answer that question, you may have to face another risk; to be alone and be okay.
TO BE ALONE AND BE OKAY ~
People who are not afraid to be alone can afford to demand relationships that work. They are not desperate while between relationships. Nor do they fill their lives with mindless television or mind-numbing addictions. They learn to be alone and be okay.
TO BE SPIRITUAL ~
Here is what happens spiritually:
- Crisis and pain force surrender.
- We accept the realties we tried to flee.
- The lesson will be repeated until learned. If ignored, the lessons become harder.
- The lessons teach us about human limitation.
- We believed we were more than other humans. We could escape the harm.
- When we accept suffering, we reconnect with the deeper rhythms of the universe.
- We cannot escape the inevitable message. Now it means too much.
- We have lost too much, but we do have integrity.
- Never again will we let things not matter. We are part of a larger purpose.
- We know we have learned the lesson when our actions change.
First comes the connection with self and the acceptance of your own brokenness. Then there is the acceptance of the community and renewed trust in others. The ability to trust oneself and others clears the path to trusting a creator.
That trust also means acceptance of a larger purpose, a purpose in which, at times, even bad things can happen to very good people ...
To trust a higher purpose or power requires an essential trust of others. Trust of others really only comes from a deep trust of your own integrity.
TO BE HONEST ~
If you have a solid spiritual life, you realize that nothing really disconnects you from others. Then it is a matter of courage to be yourself and to be honest about who you are. This means:
- To admit the hard things about yourself.
- To be clear about hard things others must hear.
- To not mislead anyone.
- To not live a secret life.
- To abandon false fronts and false pride.
- To be clear about your intent.
- To tell the truth.
- To not hide from difficult moments.
- To give up being "nice" all the time.
- To state your needs and wants without shame.
- To not cover or lie for anyone.
TO BE VULNERABLE ~
The most important skill to acquire and use in recovery is the capacity to get a consultation. To get a consultation means to involve people in what goes on in your own interior world. The dumb thoughts. The scary thoughts. The garbled thoughts. The irrational fears. The angry, vengeful fantasies. The nightmares. The unspoken desire.
By sharing with others, you have an examined life. People know who you are. They also help you with their perspectives and ideas. They bring reality and problem-solving skills to your life. This process allows for integration of the darker side of yourself and acceptance of your humanness ... It is then that we can share the shadow side of ourselves, the nasty, mean-spirited side of ourselves ... Failure to own that reality will keep us from the serenity that we seek. Disowning our shadow will prevent integrity. Remember that others are mirrors for ourselves. What we love or hate in others reflects what we love or hate about ourselves.
Dr. Carl Jung wrote that to acknowledge our skeletons is the only way we will be able to ultimately accept the "gold" of life.
TO FIGHT ~
Most survivors avoid conflict. In their past, anger and violence meant great danger. There were rules about keeping the peace and saying nice things. The truth is that sometimes you will have to fight. To remove yourself from a trauma bond safely and with self-care might mean that you have to insist on your rights ... Let go of being nice. It is always important to let others hear you. It is important to protect yourself. It is always important to make sure you do not intentionally hurt others purely for the sake of hurting them. These are all good reasons to fight. Besides, the boundaries become clear in the process.
TO DEFINE SELF ~
One of the most common reports from people emerging from a trauma is that they had not realized how much someone or something else regulated their values, lifestyle and daily choices.
TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF ~
Your life is up to you. Take charge of it or somebody else will.
FROM SUFFERING TO MEANING ~
Whether it is betrayal by seduction, terror, power, intimacy or spirit, exploitation is simply no longer acceptable ... We are accountable to each other for our behavior ... You have committed yourself to stopping or changing an abusive relationship. In that you have helped all of us.
(from the book: The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.)
Though no one can go back
And make a brand new start,
Anyone can start from now
And
Make a brand new ending.
~ Author Unknown
