When you receive really bad news, what do you do?
When you are having difficulty with a coworker at work, what do you do?
When someone is rude to you, what do you do?
When someone is gossiping about you, what do you do?
When someone calls you names, what do you do?
Does it sound like I'm describing a grade school playground when I ask that? I'm not. Apparently, with all the violence in TV Shows and Movies, the violence on the News, the general decline in good manners and a diminishing command of the English language, people just aren't as nice as they used to be. I'm not talking about an occasional sassy teenager or a grumpy old man. I'm talking about half the people you meet in the course of your day!
When people are mean or life hands you a lemon, what do you do?
When I was younger, I gave as good as I got. Cut me off in traffic. I'd think nothing of nearly wrecking both our cars to cut you off. If you flipped me off, I could fly the mighty bird right back. If you talked nasty to me, I'd make you sorry. If you treated me badly, I'd give it back in spades. I thought I was pretty tough stuff.
Sounds like a real pleasant person to be around, doesn't it?
I knew people were afraid of me and I didn't care. In fact, I liked it! It was the ultimate mask. I thought it kept me safe. It didn't. It isolated me. It actually made me a target because some people thought it was funny to make me mad. Maybe, they were right? I did look pretty goofy when I was mad as a wet hen with steam flying out both ears!
Is this true confessions? Maybe. Maybe not much of a confession at all! I think everyone has a temper. I think we all have a goat that can be got. I think we all have a chain that can be jerked.
Not you? You NEVER get mad? Well, okay, let's just say that, for the sake of discussion, we all have a temper ... just think about it for a minute ...
When someone takes your parking place, what do you do?
When someone spills something on your expensive jacket, what do you do?
When someone bumps into you, what do you do?
When someone thinks you cut them off, what do you do?
When someone calls you a bitch out of the blue, what do you do?
No one is looking. Just between you and you, what do you do?
Do you take offense?
Do you fight back?
Do you give as good as you get?
Do you turn the other cheek?
Do you smile?
Do you kill them with kindness?
Do you ignore them?
Do you shrug it off as their bad day and go on with your's?
I've thought about that a lot over the past few days. I have paid attention to the way people interact with one another. I'd have to call it a draw. I have seen 50% courtesy and I have seen 50% rude. Most of the time, random acts of kindness stood right next to random acts of rudeness. There didn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to any of it.
Do I still get mad? Of course!
Do I still get angry? I do that too.
Did my anger ever change anything? Nope. Not one time.
There are constructive ways to deal with un-kindness when it is directed or misdirected at us. If someone tries to flood our space with their negative energy, we can simply step around it. I think of it like this. If a dog poops in my yard, I'm not going to go jump in it or roll around in it! I'm going to walk around it, maybe scoop it up and throw it away, but I'm not going to lose my peace over it. Negative energy is just like dog poop! We don't have to spend too much time on it. We wouldn't call all the neighbors to come look at it! It's just dog poop.
Helping Yourself Calm Down
There are a number of ways which people use to deal with anger. You need to deal with angry feelings and find better ways to express yourself. For some people, it can help to gain insight into why they get so angry.
If you feel yourself getting angry, don't let it build up until you have a violent outburst. Try breathing deeply in long, slow breaths, giving your heartbeat a chance to slow down. Repeat a word such as "relax" or "calm" as you breathe.
Then give yourself time to think. Get out of the situation if you need to, and find someone to talk things over with, who will help you to calm down. Try and think logically about the cause of your anger. Consider if there is a misunderstanding or if you are really angry about this or something else.
Try to express angry feelings in an assertive manner, using calm, logical words rather than violence. If you are having, or expecting, a heated discussion, keep the following in mind:
- slow down – think carefully about what you want to say
- try to think about what is underlying the anger
- be clear about what you are asking and how it can be achieved. Try using phrases like "I feel angry with you because..."
- listen carefully to the other person, remembering that everyone is entitled to their own opinion
- keep your cool in the face of your own and the other person's anger
- you may feel offended if you are being criticized. Try not to be put off by this and keep going
- be patient and ask questions to get to the heart of problem
- try to be carefully assertive, rather than sarcastic or aggressive
Understanding your anger
People who are angry and aggressive need to take responsibility for their actions – blaming others is not helpful. However, a look at the past may help you to understand your current angry behavior. For example, if your parents or influential family members set bad examples and resolved conflicts aggressively, you may not have learned to deal with anger constructively. Think about the anger patterns you have learned and how you can change them.
Some aspects of our lifestyle can worsen angry feelings. By making small changes you can reap great benefits:
- regular exercise can help to prevent the accumulation of tension and can also give you regular time away from everyday stresses
- relaxation exercises such as yoga and meditation will also help to release tension in a controlled, healthy way. You can find out more from your GP or local library
- try to keep your alcohol intake within the daily recommended intake of 2-3 units for women and 3-4 units for men. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, which can trigger violent behavior
- change your environment, finding alternatives for situations which add stress to your life, and scheduling in time to relax and unwind
- learn to express your feelings, either by talking to a friend or by venting feelings in other ways, perhaps creatively through painting or writing
You can't eliminate anger from your life. You will always come across situations which provoke anger. The key to approaching anger is to take responsibility for your own reactions and behavior by addressing angry feelings with new coping mechanisms and responses.
( To read the full article: http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/html/managing_anger.html )
Some Other Ways To Take Care Of You ...
Give yourself a break.
Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Timing
If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance
If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives
If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
( To read the full article: Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You )
A few weeks ago, I heard a news story about Oprah Winfrey. It seems she had been criticized by another celebrity and the news story said, "It is expected that Oprah Winfrey will not react to this latest criticism any more than she has reacted to previous slights. It is her strict policy to not participate in any negative news."
She talks about some pretty negative topics, so how could they say she doesn't participate in negative news? I thought about it. I know how. She does state the FACTS (researched and proven by a staff of dozens), she brings on expert guests or people who have experienced the topic, but I can't remember a time that she made it personal or hurtful. There are some places she just doesn't go. As a result, most things that are said about her are positive. She didn't entertain anyone's gossip and she didn't gossip about herself.
I'm not suggesting we all wear WWOD? bracelets, but I do think Oprah has the right idea. I am inspired by her example. I am sad for the times I let my anger fly, no matter how good it felt at the time! I am grateful for the times I expressed my anger appropriately without adding more negative to my world or anyone else's.
Disclaimer: There has been some recent controversy on the Stream and some may assume that I am directing this toward that controversy. I am not. Earlier last week, I was struggling with my own anger and feelings of helplessness concerning the cancer diagnosis of a good friend. While the controversy contributed to my thoughts about anger, I am not in the habit of communicating indirectly with anyone. I do think it is all too easy for all of us, including me, to give into the negatives, and my hope is that the energy around all of us will be more positive. Peace, my friends, peace.
